Chick Young: I know there's no such person as Dracula. You know there's no such person as Dracula.
Wilbur Grey: But does Dracula know it?


--Lou Costello (as Wilbur Grey) in Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein

Chick Young: I'm going out to get the other crate. And no back talk!
Wilbur: I've got just two words to say to you.
Chick Young: What is that?
Wilbur: Hurry back.


--Lou Costello (as Wilbur Grey) in Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein

Chick Young: People pay McDougal cash to come in here and get scared.
Wilbur: I'm cheatin' him. I'm gettin' scared for nothin'.


--Lou Costello (as Wilbur Grey) in Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein

Chick Young: You know the old saying? Everything comes in threes. Now suppose a third girl should fall in love with you?
Wilbur Grey: What's her name?
Chick Young: We'll say her name is Mary.
Wilbur Grey: Is she pretty?
Chick Young: Beautiful!
Wilbur Grey: Naturally, she'd have to be.
Chick Young: Now you have Mary, you have Joan, and you have Sandra. So, to prove to you that I'm your pal, your bosom friend, I'll take one of the girls off your hands.
Wilbur Grey: Chick, you're what I call a real pal... you take Mary.


--Lou Costello (as Wilbur Grey) in Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein

Chick Young: You're making enough noise to wake up the dead!
Wilbur: I don't have to wake him up. He's up.


--Lou Costello (as Wilbur Grey) in Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein

Flash Fulton: This bank's been stuck up.
Weejie 'Tubby' McCoy: What've they got to be stuck up for? They're no better than any other bank.


--Lou Costello (as Weejie 'Tubby' McCoy) in Hit the Ice

Grover Mockridge: Go answer the door. It might be Warner.
Wilbur Hoolihan: It won't do no good. We're all signed up with Universal.


--Lou Costello (as Wilbur Hoolihan) in It Ain't Hay

Lester: I hereby claim Mars in the name of the United States of America.
Orville: Me too.


--Lou Costello (as Orville) in Abbott and Costello Go to Mars

Peter Johnson: We've got to outsmart Uncle Nimativ. You go in and outwit him.
Harvey Garvey: Why should I go out with him? I'm afraid of that man!
Peter Johnson: Not to go out with him. Go in and outwit him.
Harvey Garvey: Why should I go in and go out wth him? I mean, he don't appeal to me!


--Lou Costello (as Harvey Garvey) in Lost in a Harem

Slicker Smith: You're 40 years-old and you're in love with this little girl that's 10 years-old. You're four times as old as that girl and you couldn't marry her, could you?
Herbie Brown: Not unless I come from the mountains.
Slicker Smith: All right- you're 40 years-old, you're four times as old as this girl, and you can't marry her, so you wait five years. By that time the little girl's 15 and you're 45. You're only three times as old as that little girl. So you wait 15 years and when the girl is 30, you're at 60. You're only twice as old as that little girl.
Herbie Brown: She's catching up.
Slicker Smith: Yes, yes. Now here's the question. How long do you have to wait until you and that little girl are the same age?
Herbie Brown: Now what kinda question is that? That's ridiculous!
Slicker Smith: Ridiculous or not, answer the question.
Herbie Brown: If I wait for that girl she'll pass me up. She'll wind up older than I am.
Slicker Smith: What are you talking about?
Herbie Brown: She'll have to wait for me!
Slicker Smith: Why should she wait for you?
Herbie Brown: ...I was nice enough to wait for her!


--Lou Costello (as Herbie Brown) in Buck Privates