Ambrose Wolfinger: My poor mother-in-law died three days ago. I'm attending her funeral this afternoon.
Ambrose's Secretary: Isn't that terrible, Mr. Wolfinger!
Ambrose Wolfinger: Yes, it's terrible. It's awful. Horrible tragedy.
Ambrose's Secretary: It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.
Ambrose Wolfinger: Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Man on the Flying Trapeze

Ambrose Wolfinger: Sweetheart, I take an oath on your poor mother's grave. I never saw the wrestling matches this afternoon. Things happened!


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Man on the Flying Trapeze

Ambrose Wolfinger: The more haste the less speed.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Man on the Flying Trapeze

Commodore Jackson: ...unsheathing my Bowie knife, I cut a path through this wall of human flesh, dragging my canoe behi
[wooden Indian passes by the door whose top half is open, startling him]
Commodore Jackson: ...
[cough]
Commodore Jackson: ... behind me. Since that time of course, the noble red man and his pale faced friends have smoked the pipe of peace.
[another Indian passes by - pause and cringes]
Commodore Jackson: Why I wouldn't of more think now of harming a hair on a red man's head than I would sticking a fork in my mother's back. Heh... why, some of my best friends are Indians... Shug Indians.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Mississippi

Commodore Jackson: Even a dead fish can float downstream.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Mississippi

Commodore Jackson: I like women as I like elephants, I like to look at 'em but I wouldn't own one.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Mississippi

Commodore Jackson: My last encounter with the redskins was over thirty-five years ago. I was a mere stripling.
Skeptical Passenger in pilot house: Is that so?
[skeptically]
Commodore Jackson: I whipped out my revolver...
Skeptical Passenger in pilot house: Revolvers weren't invented thirty-five years ago.
[sneering]
Commodore Jackson: Uh... uh... I know that, but the Indians didn't know it. It doesn't matter - I threw it away.
Female passenger: Oh, how exciting - please don't interrupt.
Commodore Jackson: I had just swum the rapids. I had my canoe under one arm and a Rocky Mountain goat under the other.
Skeptical Passenger in pilot house: How could you swim without the use of your arms?
Commodore Jackson: Uh, uh... in those days I had, uh, I had very strong legs. Uh, excuse me
[sheepishly doffs hat to woman]
Commodore Jackson: , very strong limbs.
Female passenger: You must have been full of fire in your youth.
Commodore Jackson: I had to carry fire insurance until I was over forty. As I arrived at the river bank, I was encountered by the entire tribe of the Shug Indians. The most ferocious... have you ever been to Shug country?
Skeptical Passenger in pilot house: No, I haven't.
[glaring at the Commodore]
Commodore Jackson: Uh, that's fine. I unsheathed my Bowie knife and
[slowly and dramatically]
Commodore Jackson: cut a path through this wall of human flesh, dragging my canoe behind me.
Female passenger: [collapsing] Oh, oh, oh... oh.
Commodore Jackson: Ah, I'm sorry. Perhaps I've gone too far.
Skeptical Passenger in pilot house: What, what happened to the goat?
[no trace of skepticism]
Commodore Jackson: He was very good with mustard.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Mississippi

Commodore Jackson: Never mind what I told you! You do as I tell you!


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Mississippi

Cuthbert J. Twillie: Come, my phlox, my flower! I have some very definite pear-shaped ideas that I'd like to discuss with thee.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in My Little Chickadee

Cuthbert J. Twillie: During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Compelled to live on food and water...
Gambler: Will you play cards!
Cuthbert J. Twillie: - for several days.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in My Little Chickadee