John Lewis: You know what you're asking for, don't you?
Probert: I always thought you were crude, Lewis, but right now you're surpassing even yourself.
John Lewis: ...and you're going to get it in a moment, boy-o, and not in blank verse either.


--Peter Sellers (as ) in Only Two Can Play

Narrator: At 11.10 the police photographers arrived, photographed the police, and hurried away again.


--Peter Sellers (as ) in The Case of the Mukkinese Battle Horn

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE: [a police car drives up to Grand's car] Could be routine, or... mere damnable harassment.


--Peter Sellers (as ) in The Magic Christian

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE: [Lawrence Harvey performs a strip tease while playing Hamlet] This chap's taking licence in my view?


--Peter Sellers (as ) in The Magic Christian

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE: [voiceover, as a £10 note appears onscreen] Ladies and gentlemen, this is what is commonly known as money. It comes in all sizes, colours, and denominations - like people. We'll be using quite a bit of it in the next two hours... luckily I have enough for ALL of us.


--Peter Sellers (as ) in The Magic Christian

Sonny MacGregor: I'm having a day's rough shooting and want some bullets.
Gunsmith: Cartridges? Certainly, sir. Any particular make?
Sonny MacGregor: No, as long as they've got gunpowder in them.
Gunsmith: What bore?
Sonny MacGregor: Boar? No, no. A few rabbits, pheasants, small fry, you know.
Gunsmith: No, no, sir. Bore. B-O-R-E.
Sonny MacGregor: Bore!
[laughs]
Sonny MacGregor: Hmm?
Gunsmith: 12, 20 or 4-10?
Sonny MacGregor: Er... Definitely, yes.
Gunsmith: Well, which, sir?
Sonny MacGregor: Well, the largest you have, surely.
Gunsmith: 12-bore. How many, sir? 50?
Sonny MacGregor: No, I think you'd better make it a thousand.
Gunsmith: A thousand?
Sonny MacGregor: Yes.
Gunsmith: But didn't you say a day's rough shooting?
Sonny MacGregor: Yes, I did, er... and it may be pretty rough.


--Peter Sellers (as ) in The Naked Truth

Man with salt-obsessed friend: Something to do with his blood, you know. He got to get it into his bloodstream.
John Lewis: Uh, the Pygmies have the same problem. Yes, I quite understand. Well, tell your friend not to worry because relief is on the way.


--Peter Sellers (as ) in Only Two Can Play

Maurice Plonk: My name is Maurice Plonk, and I live in a little log cabin in Piccadilly. Last night I left a burning cigarette by my bedside and the whole place was burny down. And the night before last, my fire insurance ran out and we did not get a penny. My, how we did laugh when we heard about it.
Narrator: Mr Plonk has nothing to do with our story. We thought you'd like to see what a real idiot looked like.


--Peter Sellers (as ) in The Case of the Mukkinese Battle Horn

Mayor's clerk: I can't spell Sigismund.
Dr. Fritz Fassbender: I think that you have a little sexual block over the spelling of that naughty name. Allow me to help you, I'm a psychoanalyst, among other things.


--Peter Sellers (as Dr. Fritz Fassbender) in What's New Pussycat

[Describing his encounter with "Gil" and "Val", during an intimate moment with Mrs. Dunnworthy]
Henry Orient: ...And then two small bladders came out of their mouths. And just when she was beginning to hum, too.


--Peter Sellers (as Henry Orient) in The World of Henry Orient