Jerry: Will you look at that! Look how she moves! It's like Jell-O on springs. Must have some sort of built-in motor or something. I tell you, it's a whole different sex!

Joe/Josephine: [to Daphne] . What are you afraid of? No-one's asking you to have a baby!

Joe/Josephine: [grabbing Daphne by the collar] Daphne?
Daphne: Well, I never did like the name Geraldine.

Joe: Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.
Jerry: I'm a boy.
Joe: That's the boy.
Jerry: I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?
Joe: What engagement present?
Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet.
Joe: [takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses] Hey, these are real diamonds!
Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?

Joe: [apologizing because the motor boat will only move backwards] I'm afraid it may take a little longer.
Sugar: It's not how long it takes, it's who's taking you.

Joe: But, you're not a girl! You're a guy, and, why would a guy wanna marry a guy?
Jerry: Security!

Joe: So you got pinched in the elevator, so what? Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?

Joe: There's another problem.
Jerry: Like what?
Joe: Like, what are you gonna do on your honeymoon?
Jerry: We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera but I kinda lean towards Niagara Falls.

Joe: We didn't see anything!
Jerry: We didn't hear anything either!

Joe: We won't breathe a word!
Spats Colombo: You won't breathe nothin' - not even air.