Jonathan Brewster: [pulling on surgical gloves] And now doctor... we go to work!
Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny. I cannot operate without a drink!
Jonathan Brewster: Pull yourself together, doctor!
Dr. Einstein: I cannot pull myself together without a drink!

Mortimer Brewster: Look, Aunt Martha, men don't just get into window seats and die!
Abby Brewster: We know, dear. He died first.
Mortimer Brewster: Wait a minute! Stop all this. Now, look, darling, how did he die?
Abby Brewster: Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
Mortimer Brewster: How did the poison get in the wine?
Martha Brewster: Well, we put it in wine, because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea, it has a distinct odor.
Mortimer Brewster: You mean, you... You put it in the wine!
Abby Brewster: Yes. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the window seat, because Reverend Harper was coming.
Mortimer Brewster: Now, look at me, darling. You mean, you mean you knew what you'd done and you didn't want the Reverend Harper to see the body?
Abby Brewster: Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.
Mortimer Brewster: Oh, it's first-degree.
Abby Brewster: Now, Mortimer, you know all about it and just forget about it. I do think that Aunt Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.

Aunt Martha: For a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one teaspoon full of arsenic, then add half a teaspoon full of strychnine, and then just a pinch of cyanide.
Mortimer Brewster: Hmm. Should have quite a kick.

Kasper Gutman: I distrust a man who says "when." If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.

Jeff: She sure is the "eat, drink and be merry" girl.
Stella: Yeah, she'll wind up fat, alcoholic and miserable.

Nick: Hey look, mister. We serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast, and we don't need any characters around to give the joint "atmosphere". Is that clear, or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?
George Bailey: [intervening] Nick, hold on. Just give him the same as mine. He's no trouble.
Nick: Okay.
[Nick walks away to tend to the bar]
George Bailey: [to Clarence] What's the matter with him? I never saw Nick act like that before.
Clarence: You'll see a lot of strange things from now on.

Tom Jones: [Mr. Allworthy's recovery means Mr. Thwackum and others will not be receiving their expected inheritance. Apropos of this, Tom drunkenly taunts Mr. Thwackum with a song] - Sing, thick Thwackum, your bounty's flown.
Mr. Thwackum: [Indignant] You have good reason for your drunkenness, you beggarly bastard. He provided well enough for you.
Tom Jones: Do you think any such consideration could weigh with me? Damn you, Thwackum!
Mr. Thwackum: How dare you, sir!
Tom Jones: And damn me if I don't open another bottle.
[Tom laughs mockingly at Mr. Thwackum]
Tom Jones: I shall sing you a ballad which I have entitled "Sing, Thick Thwackum, Thy Bounty has Flown."
Tom Jones: [Drunkenly proceeds to taunt Mr. Thwackum with a mocking song] Sing, Thick Thwackum, thy bounty has flown. You lost all the money you thought that you'd own.
Mr. Blifil: [Angrily] Mr. Jones! This house is in mourning on account of the death of my dear mother.
Tom Jones: Forgive me! The joy of Mr. Allworthy's recovery...
Mr. Blifil: [Cutting him off] I had the misfortune to know who my parents were. Consequently, I'm grieved by their loss.
Tom Jones: You rascal! You dare to insult me?

Max: How many have I had?
Maid: Two.
Max: Make it an uneven three.

Colonel Hugh Pickering: Higgins, at a time like this, it's positively indecent that you don't need a glass of port.

Don Birnam: I'm not a drinker;I'm a drunk.