Fran Kubelik: I'd like to spell it out for you... only I can't spell!


--Shirley MacLaine (as Fran Kubelik) in The Apartment

Fran Kubelik: You fool. You damn fool.


--Shirley MacLaine (as Fran Kubelik) in The Apartment

Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz: All my life I never yet been able to beat up one lousy man.


--Shirley MacLaine (as Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz) in Two for the Seesaw

Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz: First thing you said was "Help me", on the telephone!
Jerry Ryan: No. I said I wouldn't say...
Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz: You said "Help me"! I said "Sure"


--Shirley MacLaine (as Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz) in Two for the Seesaw

Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz: I gotta get outta here before you slug me.
Jerry Ryan: Slug you? That what you expect from your romances?
Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz: When it comes to men, I expect the worst.


--Shirley MacLaine (as Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz) in Two for the Seesaw

Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz: I'm late.
Jerry Ryan: Yeah, I know.
Jerry Ryan: Next time I'll make sarcastic remarks.
Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz: We're on next time already!


--Shirley MacLaine (as Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz) in Two for the Seesaw

Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz: It's like when I was a kid, we used to neck in the vestibule. She's inside you and I'm always outside in the vestibule. Everything you did here was to prove something to her.
Jerry Ryan: To you. To myself.
Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz: To her. With her you couldn't stand on your own two feet, so with me you will, only I gotta stand on them too. You'll show her. With her you took handouts, with me you'll give handouts. Lofts, presents. Never mind if I want 'em, you'll show her. When you're blue, I don't have to worry what I did wrong. She called, she didn't call. She wrote a letter, she didn't write a letter. It's always her.


--Shirley MacLaine (as Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz) in Two for the Seesaw

Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz: Listen, Jerry, I'm the one in a trap. You move in with me, I'll... I'll nudja you into marrying me, I know I will. And then what'll I have? I don't wanna have to spend the rest of my life begging. It's not good enough for me, Jerry. Not any more. I want somebody who'll feel about me... what you said about her before. What do you say we give each other the gate, huh?
Jerry Ryan: For my sake? So I can go back?
Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz: No. Whether you go or stay. To tell you the God's honest truth, Jerry, I didn't take one free breath since that hemorrhage. I wanna get outta here so I can breathe.


--Shirley MacLaine (as Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz) in Two for the Seesaw

Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz: Pick up the phone if you're so strong.
Jerry Ryan: Do you want me to?
Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz: Sure I want you to. I don't know where I stand. I could scream my head off and nobody comes. Who can I count on besides me?
Jerry Ryan: Me!
Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz: Yeah. Lean on you and I'll fall in that big hole, someplace in Nevada!


--Shirley MacLaine (as Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz) in Two for the Seesaw

Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz: So then you say, "need you". I need you. Who says these things in black and white? You care about somebody, you don't make 'em ask. Like a bill that's gotta be paid. What kind of giving is that? So when you ask me to hand myself over on a platter... Well, what do you hand over, Jerry? What'll I get? Jake, I pay a penny, I get a penny candy. But you... You're a big 10-buck box and all I'll get is the cellophane. You short-change people. You make it look like you're giving but you don't.


--Shirley MacLaine (as Gittel 'Mosca' Moscawitz) in Two for the Seesaw