Merlin: There, you see? I'm an ugly, horrible, grouchy old man!


--Karl Swenson (as Merlin) in The Sword in the Stone

Rev. Hoskins: Ah, the temptations of the flesh. I fought 'em my whole life through.
Prisoner: Then how come you're in here
[jail]
Prisoner: , Reverend?
Rev. Hoskins: Well, I said I fought 'em, I didn't say I fought 'em off. Sometimes I lost. But believe me, it takes a lot more to tempt a preacher than it does you stumblebums in here. When I lost, I lost big!
Prisoner: Are you a real preacher, Reverend?
Rev. Hoskins: Well now, let's look at it this way. I always had the urge to preach. And if you got the urge, you're halfway home.
Prisoner: What kept you from getting all the way?
Rev. Hoskins: My temptation was women.


--Karl Swenson (as Rev. Hoskins) in Lonely are the Brave

The Marshal: Unless you want to see your own gravestone on your way to hell, you'll be on the next stage. Now that leaves here tomorrow at sundown. And you're going to like it. It crosses the desert at night. It's cooler then.


--Karl Swenson (as The Marshal) in The Badlanders

Sir Ector: [on Archimedes] Say, say, I know! You've got him under a spell, Marlin. You're a magician, hm?
Merlin: The name is *Mer-lin.* And I happen to be the world's most powerful wizard!
Sir Ector: [laughing] Come off it, man! Gadzooks, ha-ha-ha...!
Merlin: All right, I shall demonstrate.
[clears throat]
Merlin: Higitus, figitus, migitus moe, wind and snow, *swirl and blow*!
[snow billows out of the end of Merlin's wand and covers Sir Ector]


--Karl Swenson (as Merlin) in The Sword in the Stone

Sir Ector: I hope you don't go in for any of that black magic.
Merlin: Oh, no, no. Never touch the stuff.


--Karl Swenson (as Merlin) in The Sword in the Stone

Sir Ector: There you are! What's the meaning of casting your evil spells all over the place? Help me up, boy.
[Kay helps Ector up]
Sir Ector: Now, what do you have to say for yourself?
Merlin: You call washing dishes and sweeping floors a work of evil?


--Karl Swenson (as Merlin) in The Sword in the Stone

Sir Pelinore: It's not a mere matter of muscle, son. Jousting is... a fine skill. It's a highly-developed science.
Merlin: Oh-ho-ho. Science indeed! One dummy trying to knock over another dummy with a bit of a stick.
Archimedes the Owl: And the Wart's just as hot for it as the rest of them.
Merlin: Aye, that he is. That boy has got real spark. Lots of spirit. Throws himself heart and soul into everything he does. That's really worth something, if it could only be turned in the right direction.
Archimedes the Owl: Ha ha! Fat chance of that.
Merlin: Oh, I intend to cheat, of course. Use magic. Every trick in the trade if I have to.


--Karl Swenson (as Merlin) in The Sword in the Stone

Wyatt Earp (Tombstone city marshal: I don't care about the rules anymore. I'm not that much of a hypocrite.
Dr. John 'Doc' Holliday: The whole thing is hypocrisy. The rules they tack on today that unless you're wearing that badge or a soldier's uniform, you can't kill. But they're the only rules there are. They are more important to you than you think. Play it that way, Wyatt, or you'll destroy yourself.


--Karl Swenson (as ) in Hour of the Gun

Wyatt Earp (Tombstone city marshal: You gonna be all right?
Dr. John 'Doc' Holliday: Except for a slight dying spell.


--Karl Swenson (as ) in Hour of the Gun

Guard: [Torrential rain. Rider draws up to the portcullis] Who goes there?
Sir Pelinore: Pelinore! It's Pelinore, dash it all! I've got big news from London! BIG NEWS! Come on, man, drop the bridge!
Merlin: [Listening from the guest room] Oh, big news, eh? They can't wait for the London Times. First edition won't be out for at least, uh...
[looks at watch]
Merlin: ...1200 years.
[Raps on Archimedes' house]
Merlin: Archimedes? Would you mind sailing down there and...
Archimedes the Owl: [irritably] Not interested.
Merlin: Oh come, come, come, come, come, now. You're as wet as you can get!
Archimedes the Owl: No! Nope, nope, nope!
Merlin: Archimedes! I'll turn you into a human!
Archimedes the Owl: Hah! You wouldn't dare!
Merlin: I will! The Sam Hill I will!
Archimedes the Owl: All right, all right, all *right*!
[Flies off to spy on Sir Ector and Pelinore]
Merlin: All right, eh? He-he-he! Works every time! Just like magic...


--Karl Swenson (as Merlin) in The Sword in the Stone