Will Hay

Davis: [Asked to explain international commerce in a radio interview] Ah - well, the chief export from Portugal is - er - port, and the chief export of Brazil is - nuts. Well, now, the economic situation between port and nuts - that is to say between Portugal and Brazil, is that the Brazilians want to drink port with their nuts and the Portuguese want to eat nuts with their port; so the more the export of port from Portuguese ports which the Brazilian ports import - the greater the export of nuts which the Brazilian ports export and Portugal's ports import. Well, then - in other words - the people of Brazil are bound to grow more and more nuts.

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Voice in Box: West Bromwich Albion 3 Chelsea 5
Captain Ben Cutlet: Ooh, fancy - Chelsea won!
Cannibal Chief: What did Voice in Box say?
Captain Ben Cutlet: Oh, eh, something very unusual...!

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William Porter: Albert. Who's Albert?
Jeremiah Harbottle: He comes in for me when I'm not here.
William Porter: Well, which is his clock?
Jeremiah Harbottle: [Jerry puts William's clock on the mantelpiece] He hasn't got a clock. He's still alive.
William Porter: [snatching clock] Hey, give me that back!
Jeremiah Harbottle: What? Aren't you go to put it with the others?
William Porter: What, amongst them? They're a lot of tombstones!

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