Sgt. Heppelfinger: It's an honor to meet you, kid. What's your name?
Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith. Go ahead and laugh.
Sgt. Heppelfinger: That ain't anything to laugh at to anyone who knows anything.


--William Demarest (as Sgt. Heppelfinger) in Hail the Conquering Hero

Sgt. Heppelfinger: They say opportunity's only got one hair on his head and you gotta grab it while it's going by and dog it down or you mightn't get another chance.


--William Demarest (as Sgt. Heppelfinger) in Hail the Conquering Hero

Sgt. Heppelfinger: We're just a little bit short of cash, see...
Cafe Owner: Uh, uh.
Sgt. Heppelfinger: ...or I'd never make you this proposition.
Cafe Owner: Ho, ho.
Sgt. Heppelfinger: I was going to save it for the museum, see, but when you're out on a limb you gotta make sacrifices, that's all. You follow me?
Cafe Owner: I'm ahead of you.
Sgt. Heppelfinger: I'm gonna let you in on the ground floor of something very, very rare. You remember when General Yamatoho committed hari-kari?
Cafe Owner: Possibly.
Sgt. Heppelfinger: I happened to be very close by, see.
[winks, indicates he pulled out one of Yamatoho's teeth and shows the very large elk's tooth he got from one of the other Marines]
Cafe Owner: Big man, wasn't he?
Sgt. Heppelfinger: Immense! This is one of the rarest mementos...
Cafe Owner: [as he pulls a large Japanese flag out of his coat] You wouldn't like to buy the flag they buried him in, would you? I could let you have it very reasonable.
[pulls out another flag]
Cafe Owner: I have it in several sizes.
[begins to pull other items out of his coat pockets]
Cafe Owner: MacArthur's suspenders! The first bullet that landed in Pearl Harbor... you can take your pick. A piece of a Japanese submarine.
[turns the piece of metal over]
Cafe Owner: If you look at it this way it becomes a German submarine.
[turns the piece again]
Cafe Owner: And this way it's a piece of a shell that just missed Montgomery! Here we have the seat of Rommel's pants. And last, but not least, we have a button from Hitler's coat... although that one I don't personally believe.
Sgt. Heppelfinger: Wise guy.


--William Demarest (as Sgt. Heppelfinger) in Hail the Conquering Hero

Emmy: That's not being very helpful.
Constable Kockenlocker: What do you want me to do? Learn to knit?


--William Demarest (as Constable Edmund Kockenlocker) in The Miracle of Morgan's Creek

Cabot Young: You must have missed!
Campbell: Naw, we just killed the same one twice!
[takes aim and shoots Indian off his pony with one shot]
Campbell: See what I mean?


--William Demarest (as Campbell) in Escape from Fort Bravo

Murray Sinclair: Barney heard you'd been shot up. He asked after ya.
Bill Dansing: Yeah, he seemed mighty disappointed when he heard you wasn't buried yet.


--William Demarest (as Bill Dansing) in Whispering Smith

Murray Sinclair: What's the matter with you, Bill?
Bill Dansing: I don't like your friends, Murray... Rebstock... Du Sang. I know that Whitey. He's as cruel as a soft-nosed bullet. He'd shoot a dyin' man just to see him sqirm.


--William Demarest (as Bill Dansing) in Whispering Smith

Stewart: Good morning, sir. Fruit, cereal, bacon and egg, egg and sausage, sausage and hot cake, hot cake and ham, ham and egg, egg and bacon, bacon and...
Muggsy: Give me a spoonful of milk, a raw pigeon's egg, and four houseflies. If you can't catch any, I'll settle for a cockroach.


--William Demarest (as Muggsy) in The Lady Eve