Inspector Phil Learoyd: These spades are a load of trouble. I reckon we should send them back where they came from. We wouldn't have half this bother if they weren't here.
Superintendent Robert Hazard: Well, I suppose you're right. Just the same as we wouldn't have old ladies being clobblered by hooligans if there weren't any old ladies. So what do you do? Get rid of the hooligans or the people they bash?
[a beat]
Superintendent Robert Hazard: Look Phil, given the right atmosphere you can organize riots against anyone - Jews, Catholics, Negroes, Irish - even policemen with big feet.
[Learoyd snickers]


--Nigel Patrick (as Superintendent Robert Hazard) in Sapphire

Samuel Pickwick: [to Mr. Jingle] Sir! I have only this to say to you, sir: I might have taken a greater avenge for the indignities which I suffered at your hands; but I will content myself with exposing you, sir - which is a duty I feel I owe to society.
Mr. Jingle: [to the others present] Good fellow, Pickwick... fine heart... a stout old boy... but a little odd... slightly eccentric.
Samuel Pickwick: I will add this, sir: I consider you to be a ruffian, sir. And a rascal, sir. And worse than any man I've ever seen... or even heard of!
Mr. Nupkins: Sir! Do you admit you're an impostor?
Mr. Jingle: Never admit anything, sir... bad for liver.


--Nigel Patrick (as ) in The Pickwick Papers

Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles: [Narrating] May the 16th, 1864. Resaca, Georgia. Another day of dramatic corpse-making.


--Nigel Patrick (as Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles) in Raintree County

Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles: [On the back of the train, leaving town in a hurry] Goodbye, dear friend. Remember me as a man who loves Raintree County, but just happens to loathe most of the people in it.


--Nigel Patrick (as Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles) in Raintree County

Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles: [Referring to the fact that Mr. Gray, an old man, has managed to marry Lydia, a beautiful young woman] How in the entire realm of plausibility did that chilly January win such a blithesome May?


--Nigel Patrick (as Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles) in Raintree County

Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles: [to John and Flash, sitting in the woods not far from Confederate lines] Comrades in arms, a toast. To all the men who go out and die, and merely because they have the rotten luck to be born one side or another of a mountain or a creek...
Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles: [Takes a swig] And here's to sleep...
Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles: [Takes another swig] Let's get a good night of it. Because tomorrow, crusader, you're starting a journey, to a new and unknown land: a place called Hell.


--Nigel Patrick (as Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles) in Raintree County

Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles: [to the photographer, who has just taken the graduating class portrait] Mr. Sterling, you have made us immortal.


--Nigel Patrick (as Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles) in Raintree County

Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles: Greatness? Ha! If that great philosopher, Socrates, were living today, he'd be reduced to sitting on a cracker barrel, chewing tobacco. That's what America does for greatness.


--Nigel Patrick (as Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles) in Raintree County

Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles: Take it from one, dear boy, who has dabbled in many a garden of delight: the home-grown tomatoes are always best.


--Nigel Patrick (as Prof. Jerusalem Webster Stiles) in Raintree County

Superintendent Robert Hazard: We didn't solve anything, Phil. We just picked up the pieces.


--Nigel Patrick (as Superintendent Robert Hazard) in Sapphire