Grandpa: [moaning] Ohhhhhhh.
Katie the Maid: What was that?
Grandpa: Here are your sacks of flour.
[Hand them to Tootie and Agnes]
Grandpa: You couldn't get me out on a night like this for a million dollars!
Agnes Smith: Did anyone here a noise just now?
Grandpa: Did it sound like this?
[moans again]
Grandpa: Ohhhhhh?
Agnes Smith: Uh-huh.
Grandpa: [Shakes his head] I didn't hear it.
Grandpa: If you wet the flour before you throw it, it makes it harder for the victim to remove it.

Grandpa: Excuse me, young man, but in the great country of China, when a stranger admires one of your possessions, it's common courtesy to offer it to him.
Kid at the ball: That's very interesting...
Grandpa: Well I spent many years in China, and if you want me to feel thoroughly at home, you might offer me your partner.
Kid at the ball: Huh?
Grandpa: Spoken like a true gentleman.

Grandpa: You'll all be safe with me; I've got twelve guns in my room!

Mr. Alonzo Smith: Ah, corn beef and cabbage. Katie, I could smell that cabbage when I got off the trolley.
Katie the Maid: Cabbage has a cabbage smell.

John Truett: Gosh, Miss Esther, I hope I'm not too presumptuous, but you don't need any beauty sleep.
Esther Smith: What a nice compliment.

Katie the Maid: Anybody want dessert?
Mr. Alonzo Smith: Dessert? What happened to dinner?
Katie the Maid: I didn't think anybody could eat meat on a hot day like this!

Katie the Maid: Would it start a minor revolution in this household if dinner was served an hour early today?
Mrs. Anna Smith: Mr. Smith hates to eat early on a hot day.
Katie the Maid: Eating early on a hot day gives you more time to digest your food before retiring. Besides, I'm due at my sister's at seven o'clock on a family matter.
Mrs. Anna Smith: Is there something wrong with your sister?
Katie the Maid: She's having trouble with her husband. Him bein' a man.
Mrs. Anna Smith: Well, eating early is all right with me, but you'll have to explain it to Mr. Smith.
Katie the Maid: Oh, he won't mind, seein' as how tonight's corn beef night.

Agnes Smith: I can't get hungry till it gets dark.
Katie the Maid: Dinner's at five-thirty. You can eat blind-folded!
Mrs. Anna Smith: We have to be out of the dining room by six-thirty. Warren Sheffield is telephoning Rose from New York. And Rose, if I were you, I wouldn't committ myself one way or another. After all...
Rose Smith: Mama, for goodness sakes!
Mrs. Anna Smith: After all, we know very little about him. Why, we haven't even met his folks.
Rose Smith: It seems to me that one little phone call is causing an awful lot of excitement in this family!
Mrs. Anna Smith: Besides, you're entirely too young and I don't think your father will allow it.
Katie the Maid: Mrs. Smith, if I'm going to keep lying to your daughters, I'll have to ask for more money.
Mrs. Anna Smith: Now, remember, not a word of this to your papa. You know how he plagues the girls about their beaus.
Agnes Smith: Everybody knows but Papa?
Grandpa: Your papa's not supposed to know. It's enough we're letting him work hard every day to support the whole flock of us. He can't have everything.

Agnes Smith: Katie, where's my cat?
Katie the Maid: I don't know... a little while ago, she got in my way and I kicked her down the cellar steps. I could hear her spine hitting on every step.
Agnes Smith: Oh, if you killed her, I'll kill you! I'll stab you to death in your sleep, then I'll tie your body to two wild horses until you're pulled apart.
Katie the Maid: Oh, won't that be terrible, now? There's your cat.

Mrs. Anna Smith: Rose, Esther, the water's hot. We're eating early tonight, so if you're going to wash your hair, you better do it now.
Rose Smith: All right, Mama. Es, why are we eating early?
Esther Smith: Well, you certainly don't want the whole family sitting there drinking in every word while a man proposes to you long-distance.
Rose Smith: Proposes? I don't see why you think Warren's going to propose to me.
Esther Smith: Well, why else would he be calling you long-distance? Do you know what it costs?
Rose Smith: I'm not even sure I'll be in. My dear, when you get to be my age, you'll find there are more important things in life than boys!