Captain Keene: We need that rope of yours to get over the wall.
The Fakir: I'm sorry, it won't work. Not without the magic words.
Sergeant-Major MacNutt: Come on, you'll be well paid.
The Fakir: Those are the magic words!


--Kenneth Williams (as ) in Carry On up the Khyber

Ellen Moore: ...they told me you were a wonderful surgeon.
Frederick Carver: Well I suppose I am a cut above the rest.


--Kenneth Williams (as ) in Carry On Again Doctor

Michael Bean: My beautiful, wrecked, piano!
Edwin Milton: Does that mean you won't be able to finish composing the music for the play?
Michael Bean: Real composers don't require pianos, it is all in the mind.
Edwin Milton: Best place for it.
Michael Bean: Never wanted my music, have you?
Edwin Milton: Well, Tchaikovsky would have done me, if I'd had that music at all. Personally...
Michael Bean: Out with it, what's your objection? Come on, let's have all of it, come on let's have it!
Edwin Milton: Alright it's already my herculian task to coax anything like audability from these children, if, in addition, I have to cope with an orchestra that makes a lullaby sound the climax to 1812.
Michael Bean: You can hear a pin drop during that choir passages.
Edwin Milton: And I'd rather!


--Kenneth Williams (as ) in Carry On Teacher

Captain Potts: Your rank?
James Bailey: Well, that's a matter of opinion.


--Kenneth Williams (as ) in Carry On Sergeant

Miss Fosdick: Excuse me, sir!
Frederick Carver: Miss Fosdick, don't keep plucking at me I'm not a chicken.
Miss Fosdick: I'm sorry sir but you have an appointment at the Berkley Nursing home at eleven.
Frederick Carver: It can wait.
Miss Fosdick: It's to see Mrs Moore sir.
Frederick Carver: and she... Oh that's different, rather wealthy private patient of mine, I took her appendix out the other day.
Dr. Ernest Stoppidge: Well I hope you both had a nice time.
Frederick Carver: I'll make the jokes thank you, Stoppidge.


--Kenneth Williams (as ) in Carry On Again Doctor

Cleopatra: [to Hengist who is dressed as Caesar] You do not look like your bust.
Julius Caesar: [who is dressed as Hengist] No, he's not. He's just a bit cracked.


--Kenneth Williams (as ) in Carry On Cleo

Brutus: The senate are worried about matters in the east, the affairs involving Ptolemy and Cleopatra.
Julius Caesar: Are they having an affair? Oh do tell!


--Kenneth Williams (as ) in Carry On Cleo

Bilius: Caesar, there is a messenger here without.
Julius Caesar: I'm not surprised, if we stay here much longer we'll all be without.


--Kenneth Williams (as ) in Carry On Cleo

Bilius: I'm sorry Caesar but for the good of Rome, you must die!
Julius Caesar: But you're my personal bodyguard and champion gladiator, I don't want to die! I may not be a very good live emperor but I'd be a worse one dead!


--Kenneth Williams (as ) in Carry On Cleo

Citizen Robespierre: Have either of you ever seen a man looking like that?
Camembert: Well, it's marvelous what you can do with a bit of padding. If I could just have a bit of a prod...
Citizen Robespierre: No you cannot have a bit of a prod! Imbecile! Admit it. This Fingernail has made a monkey of you, yet again.


--Kenneth Williams (as ) in Don't Lose Your Head