Mrs. Swope: I'm gonna bend your johnson, Swope!
Putney Swope: I'm ready!


--Arnold Johnson (as Putney) in Putney Swope

Putney Swope: Are you for surreal?!


--Arnold Johnson (as Putney) in Putney Swope

Putney Swope: I'm all stacked up over LaGuardia and I ain't coming down for anyone, not even you.


--Arnold Johnson (as Putney) in Putney Swope

Putney Swope: Rockin' the boat's a drag. You gotta sink the boat!


--Arnold Johnson (as Putney) in Putney Swope

Mr. Victrola Cola: I got this great window cleaner. Cleans good and doesn't streak. Smells bad, though. Cleans good, but smells bad.
Putney Swope: As a window cleaner, forget it. Put soybeans in it and market it as a soft drink in the ghetto. We'll put a picture of a rhythm and blues singer on the front and call it Victrola Cola.


--Arnold Johnson (as Putney) in Putney Swope

Photographer: I'll do it for nothing - I need the work!
Putney Swope: I can get anybody for nothing. Take a walk!


--Arnold Johnson (as Putney) in Putney Swope

Reporter: Mr. Swope, did you sleep with your wife before you were married?
Putney Swope: Not a wink.


--Arnold Johnson (as Putney) in Putney Swope