Auda abu Tayi: When Lawrence finds what he's looking for, he will go home. When you find what you are looking for, you will go home.
Colonel Brighton: I will not.
Auda abu Tayi: Then you are a fool. Be thankful that when God gave you a face, he gave you a fool's face.

Margie MacDougall: [outside Baxter's apartment on Christmas Eve, after leaving a bar] Night like this, it sorta spooks you, walking into an empty apartment.
C.C. Baxter: I said I had no family; I didn't say I had an empty apartment.

Bill Cole: It may only be four walls and a couple of nail kegs, but it will always be home to me.

Muriel Blandings: I refuse to endanger the lives of my children in a house with less than four bathrooms.
Jim Blandings: For 1,300 dollars they can live in a house with three bathrooms and ROUGH IT.

Hotel clerk: There's no phone number, but I have a forwarding address.
Jonathan Forbes: 241 Stoneybrook Road.
Hotel clerk: Why yes sir.
Jonathan Forbes: [slams counter] And you let her go.
Hotel clerk: Well, it wasn't my place...
Jonathan Forbes: No, it's my place, and I helped him pack.

Jonathan Forbes: Owww!
Brad Allen: What?
Jonathan Forbes: That chair. It just bit me.

Jan: Officer, arrest this man - he's taking me up to his apartment!

[Connie explains the morning schedule to Mr. Dingle]
Constance 'Connie' Milligan: [showing him a map] See, this is a floor plan of the apartment. Here's my room, here's your room, here's the bathroom and here's the kitchen. Now, my alarm goes off at seven o'clock, and we both get up. At seven one, I enter the bathroom. Then you go down to get the milk, and by seven five you've started the coffee. One minute later, I leave the bathroom, and a minute after that, you enter the bathroom. And that's when I'm starting to dress. Three minutes later, I'm having my coffee, and a minute after that at seven twelve, you leave the bathroom. At seven thirteen, I put on my eggs, and I leave to finish dressing. Then you put on your shoes, and take off my eggs at seven sixteen. At seven seventeen, you start to shave. At seven eighteen, I eat my eggs, and at seven twenty-one, I'm in the bathroom fixing my hair, and at seven twenty-four, you're in the kitchen putting on your eggs. At seven twenty-five, you make your bed. Seven twenty-six, I make my bed. And then while you're eating your eggs, I take out the papers and cans. At seven twenty-nine, you're washing the dishes, and at seven thirty, we're all finished. You see? It's really very simple.
Benjamin Dingle: Do we do all this railroad time or Eastern War time?

Constance 'Connie' Milligan: ...I've made up my mind to rent to nobody but a woman.
Benjamin Dingle: So, let me ask you something. Would I ever want to wear your stockings?
Constance 'Connie' Milligan: No.
Benjamin Dingle: Well, all right. Would I ever want to borrow your girdle, or your red and yellow dancing slippers?
Constance 'Connie' Milligan: Of course not.
Benjamin Dingle: Well, any woman, no matter who, would insist upon borrowing that dress you got on right now. You know why? Because it's so pretty.
Constance 'Connie' Milligan: I made it myself.
Benjamin Dingle: And how would you like it if she spilled a cocktail all over it... at a party you couldn't go with her to because she borrowed it to go to it... in?
Constance 'Connie' Milligan: She might have something that I could wear.
Benjamin Dingle: Not her.
Constance 'Connie' Milligan: Why not?
Benjamin Dingle: Because she's so dumpy looking. Never has anything clean. That's why she's always borrowing your dresses.
Constance 'Connie' Milligan: How do I know you'd be any better?
Benjamin Dingle: Well, look at me. I'm neat, like a pin. Ah, let me stay.
Constance 'Connie' Milligan: Well, look, I...
Benjamin Dingle: I tell you what. We'll try it out for a week. End of the week comes, if you're not happy, we'll flip a coin to see who moves out.

Clouseau: And... they were your fingerprints!
Benjamin Ballon: Well, why not? It's my house. I've often been in that closet.
Clouseau: For what reason?
Benjamin Ballon: Last time was moths.