Malcolm Smith:
But remember, I'd have never known about the phony ticket or the stealing if you didn't tell me, which means you're very noble. You're as noble as Abraham Lincoln or Raymond Massey.
--Jerry Lewis (as Malcolm Smith) in Hollywood Or Bust
--Jerry Lewis (as Malcolm Smith) in Hollywood Or Bust
Melvin Jones:
There's no basis for metabolism, certain unaware of the fact that there are other men concerned here, and you still can't feel that a physical being is abstract. You've got to base the full heart and soul on the ingredients that other people are aware of the fact that physical being is isn't even evolved. Isn't that right?
--Jerry Lewis (as ) in Sailor Beware
--Jerry Lewis (as ) in Sailor Beware
Melvin Jones:
Why d'ya put the bandage on my hand before ya put the gloves on?
Al Crowthers: So when you hit'm, you won't break your knuckles.
Melvin Jones: Why don't you put some on my shoes so I won't wear them out from running away from him?
--Jerry Lewis (as ) in Sailor Beware
Al Crowthers: So when you hit'm, you won't break your knuckles.
Melvin Jones: Why don't you put some on my shoes so I won't wear them out from running away from him?
--Jerry Lewis (as ) in Sailor Beware
Melvin Jones:
Why, I was fighting Gene Tierney once, and...
Al Crowthers: Wait a minute! Don't you mean Gene Tunney?
Melvin Jones: [shouts] You fight who you want, I'll fight who I want!
--Jerry Lewis (as ) in Sailor Beware
Al Crowthers: Wait a minute! Don't you mean Gene Tunney?
Melvin Jones: [shouts] You fight who you want, I'll fight who I want!
--Jerry Lewis (as ) in Sailor Beware
Norman Phiffier:
Something you women would like? Ah, that is, um, could I show you something in shoes?
Lady wrestler: My feet, I hope.
Norman Phiffier: [Fake laughs] Oh, that is good. Yes, the size and style?
Lady wrestler: Black Spring-O-Lators, size three.
Norman Phiffier: The
[pause]
Norman Phiffier: size... three?
Lady wrestler: Three!
Norman Phiffier: SIZE three?
Lady wrestler: Something the matter with your hearing aid?
Norman Phiffier: Well, no, I could turn it up.
--Jerry Lewis (as Norman Phiffier) in Who's Minding the Store?
Lady wrestler: My feet, I hope.
Norman Phiffier: [Fake laughs] Oh, that is good. Yes, the size and style?
Lady wrestler: Black Spring-O-Lators, size three.
Norman Phiffier: The
[pause]
Norman Phiffier: size... three?
Lady wrestler: Three!
Norman Phiffier: SIZE three?
Lady wrestler: Something the matter with your hearing aid?
Norman Phiffier: Well, no, I could turn it up.
--Jerry Lewis (as Norman Phiffier) in Who's Minding the Store?
Norman Phiffier:
What are you, crazy, lady?
--Jerry Lewis (as Norman Phiffier) in Who's Minding the Store?
--Jerry Lewis (as Norman Phiffier) in Who's Minding the Store?
Seymour:
The least you could do is show me some sympathy, Steve. When you was sick, I was very considerate. Remember when the doctor gave you only 30 days to live?
Steve Laird: Yes!
Seymour: Didn't I go out and get you a calender?
--Jerry Lewis (as ) in My Friend Irma
Steve Laird: Yes!
Seymour: Didn't I go out and get you a calender?
--Jerry Lewis (as ) in My Friend Irma
Theodore 'Ted' Rogers:
Well, my mother loves me.
Bill Miller: I'll bet she was disappointed. I'll bet she wanted a child.
Theodore 'Ted' Rogers: She got one. Look up the records. I was born at Mercy Hospital.
Bill Miller: Were you sick?
Theodore 'Ted' Rogers: No, I wanted to be near my mother.
--Jerry Lewis (as ) in The Stooge
Bill Miller: I'll bet she was disappointed. I'll bet she wanted a child.
Theodore 'Ted' Rogers: She got one. Look up the records. I was born at Mercy Hospital.
Bill Miller: Were you sick?
Theodore 'Ted' Rogers: No, I wanted to be near my mother.
--Jerry Lewis (as ) in The Stooge
Virgil:
Me and my big mouth. I'd get rid of it, except it's such a handy place to keep my teeth.
--Jerry Lewis (as ) in Money From Home
--Jerry Lewis (as ) in Money From Home
