Warrant Officer Darrel Harrison: [after Helen's false eyelash falls into her drink] Your Irish coffee is *winking* at me.

Howard Beardsley: Is, uh, is this the Beardsleys' new house?
Nancy Beardsley: We've come to deliver the babies.
Family Doctor: Oh, have a heart! Leave them on somebody else's doorstep.

Colleen North: [Helen is about to have a baby] I know this is a terrible time to talk about it, but Larry says...
Frank Beardsley: I've got a message for Larry. You tell him this is what it's all about. This is the real happening. If you want to know what love really is, take a look around you.
Helen North: What are you two talking about?
Frank Beardsley: Take a good look at your mother.
Helen North: Not now!
Frank Beardsley: Yes, now.
[to Colleen]
Frank Beardsley: It's giving life that counts. Until you're ready for it, all the rest is just a big fraud. All the crazy haircuts in the world won't keep it turning. Life isn't a love in, it's the dishes and the orthodontist and the shoe repairman and... ground round instead of roast beef. And I'll tell you something else: it isn't going to a bed with a man that proves you're in love with him; it's getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts.
[Leaving the house, they say good-bye to the little kids]
Frank Beardsley: I suppose having 19 kids is carrying it a bit too far, but if we had it to do over who would we skip... you?
Helen North: [getting into the car] Thank you, Frank. I never quite knew how to explain it to her.
Frank Beardsley: If we don't get you to the hospital fast, the rest of it's going to be explained right here!

Colleen North: Larry says he'll never speak to me again unless I grow up. He says that I'm being ridiculous and I don't love him, but I do love him. Am I being ridiculous?
Frank Beardsley: You're not being ridiculous.
Colleen North: Well, do all the other girls, like Larry says? And am I just being old-fashioned?
Frank Beardsley: The same idiots were passing the same rumors when I was your age, but if all the girls did, how come I always ended up with the ones who didn't?
Colleen North: But it's all different now!
Frank Beardsley: I don't know, they wrote Fanny Hill in 1742 and they haven't found anything new since.
Veronica Beardsley: Who's Fanny Hill?
Frank Beardsley: Go to bed, that's who Fanny Hill is.

Mike Beardsley: [confronting Helen about her pregnancy] You knew about it Christmas Day, didn't you?
Helen North: Yes.
Mike Beardsley: And you still let Dad ship out. Why?
Helen North: He wanted so much to go. Two people can't live with an ocean between them for the rest of their lives.
Mike Beardsley: Do you really want this baby?
Helen North: Very much. You see, he won't have to worry whether he's a Beardsley or a North.
[Mike nods his head in understanding]

Helen North: [drunk] Boy, if this damn room would stop rolling around maybe I could find some place to be sick!

Helen North: Frank, there's something I have to tell you before we go any further. I have eight children.
[sudden panic]
Helen North: Frank! We're on a cable car!
Frank Beardsley: Of course.
Helen North: I get sick on cable cars!
Frank Beardsley: Well wait'll you hear what I have to tell you. I have TEN children.
Helen North: Ten. TEN? Frank! Eight and ten is...
Frank Beardsley: Ridiculous.

Helen North: That was a wonderful dinner, I enjoyed all *eight* courses.
Frank Beardsley: So did I.
Helen North: And speaking of children...
Frank Beardsley: We weren't speaking of children.
Helen North: We weren't? Oh thank goodness.

Helen North: Your blues and greens are wonderful, but your he's and she's got a little mixed up.

Family Doctor: [Helen is pregnant, but Mike doesn't know] How's your mother?
Mike Beardsley: You mean my stepmother. Oh, she's fine, I guess.
Family Doctor: No morning sickness?
Mike Beardsley: No, doc, I feel fine.
Family Doctor: Not you, your mother!
Mike Beardsley: Well, why should she have mor - ? Morning sickness!
[rolls his eyes in disbelief]
Family Doctor: We need a sample of your blood.
Mike Beardsley: Take it all!