Felix Ungar: I'm a neurotic nut, but you're crazy!

Felix Ungar: In other words, you're throwin' me out.
Oscar Madison: Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones!

Oscar Madison: [Felix is making weird noises in the diner] Stop that, will ya? What are you doing?
Felix Ungar: I'm trying to clear up my ears! Fmuh! Fmuh! You create a pressure inside your head, HMAHHH! Opens up the Eustachian tubes. HMAHH! HMAAHH! HMAH-huh! FMAAAAAHHH!
[the other customers look at him strangely]
Oscar Madison: Did it open up?
Felix Ungar: Uh-huh, I think I sprained my throat. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.

Oscar Madison: Blanche used to say to me, "What time do you want dinner" I'd say "I dunno, I'm not hungry". Then 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd wake her up and say "now". I've been one of the highest paid sports writers in the east for the past fourteen years, we saved eight and a half dollars in pennies. I'm never home, I gamble, burn cigar holes in the furniture, drink like a fish, lie to her every chance I get. Then on our tenth wedding anniversary, I took her to the New York Rangers-Detroit Red Wings hockey game where she got hit by a puck! I still can't figure out why she left me, that's how impossible I am.

Oscar Madison: Can't you keep it warm?
Felix Ungar: Who the hell do you think I am, the Magic Chef? I'm lucky I got it to come out at eight o'clock. Wh-wh-what am I gonna do?
Oscar Madison: I dunno, keep pouring gravy on it.
Felix Ungar: Gravy? What gravy?
Oscar Madison: Don't you have any gravy?
Felix Ungar: Where the hell am I gonna get gravy at eight o'clock?
Oscar Madison: I dunno, I though it comes when you cook the meat.
Felix Ungar: [under his breath] Comes when you cook the meat.
[stares at him for a moment]
Felix Ungar: You don't know what you're talking about, Oscar. You just don't know, because you have to MAKE gravy, it doesn't come!
Oscar Madison: Well, you asked my advice...
Felix Ungar: [explodes] Your advice? You didn't even know where this kitchen was until I came hear and showed it to you.
Oscar Madison: Listen buddy, if you're going to argue with me, put down that spoon.
Felix Ungar: Spoon? Haha, you dumb ignoramus, that is a ladle! You did not know that's a ladle!
Oscar Madison: Get a hold of yourself, will ya?
Felix Ungar: You think it's so easy? Go ahead, kitchen's yours, all yours, you make a meatloaf for four people who come a half-hour late. Go on.
Oscar Madison: I can't believe I'm arguing with him over gravy.
Felix Ungar: [doorbell rings] They're here - the dinner guests. I'll get a saw and cut the meat!

Oscar Madison: Don't come to me with your petty problems. You get this one stinkin' night a week. I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day.

Oscar Madison: Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.

Oscar Madison: Felix, I'd like you to meet two elevator acquaintances of mine. Gwendolyn and Cecily.
Cecily Pigeon: No, Cecily and Gwendolyn.
Oscar Madison: Oh, Terribly sorry, Cecily and Gwendolyn. Eh, don't tell me. Eh, Robin? No, Cardinal?
Gwendolyn Pigeon: No, Wrong both times, It's Pigeon.
Oscar Madison: Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon, The Pigeon sisters.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Or as our friends at Chelsea use to call us, the Cuckoo Pigeon sisters.

Oscar Madison: Getting a clear picture on Channel 2 is not my idea of whoopee.

Oscar Madison: Hey wait a minute, wait a minute, the pot's shy. Who didn't put in a quarter?
Murray: You didn't.
Oscar Madison: You got a big mouth, Murray. Just for that, lend me twenty dollars.
Murray: I just loaned you twenty dollars. Borrow from somebody else, I keep winning my own money back.
Roy: You owe everybody in the game. If you don't have it, you shouldn't play.
Oscar Madison: All right, I'm through being a nice guy, you owe me six dollars apiece for the buffet!
Vinnie: What Buffet?
[they all chime in]
Vinnie: What buffet?
Speed: What buffet? Hot beer and two sandwiches left over from when you went to high school.
Oscar Madison: What do you want at a poker game, a tomato surprise? Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I'll call your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.