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Dean Martin

Dean Martin
(as Matt Helm)

Matt Helm: [picking up the phone] Wrong hacienda.

Dean Martin

Dean Martin
(as Matt Helm)

Matt Helm: [to Gail] You know, if you were an Indian, Custer would still be alive.

Dean Martin

Dean Martin
(as Matt Helm)

Matt Helm: [to Tina] Making love to you is like playing Russian Roulette.

Dean Martin

Dean Martin
(as Matt Helm)

Matt Helm: Don't you think we should be introduced first?
Barbara: You're Matt Helm.
Matt Helm: Good enough for me.

Nancy Kovack

Nancy Kovack
(as Barbara)

Matt Helm: I couldn't help noticing, but, these are your clothes?
Barbara: What if they are?
Matt Helm: Oh, I know you have a headache but don't take it out on me, I mean, what should I do with these?
Barbara: [in a breathy voice] Just throw them anywhere. I won't be needing them 'til morning.


Dean Martin

Dean Martin
(as Matt Helm)

Matt Helm: My name is Chump. Matt Chump.

Dean Martin

Dean Martin
(as Matt Helm)

Matt Helm: The soap, please, Miss Kravezit.

Dean Martin

Dean Martin
(as Matt Helm)

Matt Helm: Well, they finally figured out how to get blood out of a stone...

Dean Martin

Dean Martin
(as Matt Helm)

Tina aka Cowboy: [after Matt has a wet first encounter with Gail at the swimming pool] I can't leave you alone for a second, can I?
Matt Helm: Not if you want to keep me dry.
Tina aka Cowboy: [Discussing Gail] Quite a girl.
Matt Helm: That is not a girl, Tina. That's a disaster area.

Dean Martin

Dean Martin
(as Matt Helm)

Tina aka Cowboy: This is just like old times.
Matt Helm: Yeah, especially with that body on the floor.
[Pointing to Barbara in the background, who has just been shot twice in the back by Tina]
Tina aka Cowboy: What do we do with *her*?
Matt Helm: You put her on ice, let ICE take care of it.
Tina aka Cowboy: And what happens when the maid walks in, in the morning?
Matt Helm: You know, you're right. Let's put her in my bed, so we don't arouse suspicion.
[Matt and Tina start walking towards Barbara's body, cut]

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