T.S. Chandler: Don't tell me, let me guess, he took the shirt off your back.
Benny Miller: Took my pants too.


--Lou Costello (as Benny Miller) in Little Giant

The Derelict: Quiet! People will think you're crazy.
Harvey Garvey: Oh, and I suppose you're all right?
The Derelict: Of course!
Harvey Garvey: Of course?
The Derelict: I have a brother who is crazy -
[screaming]
The Derelict: but I'm all right!
Harvey Garvey: [gasping] Who told you?
The Derelict: My brother!
Harvey Garvey: That does it, brother!


--Lou Costello (as Harvey Garvey) in Lost in a Harem

Gregory LeMaise: [In disguise with a beard] Did you ever hear the one about the guy who was so brave he stuck his right arm into a lion's mouth, right up to there.
[he motions to his shoulder]
Abercrombie: [also in disguise] He stuck his right arm in a lion's mouth up to there?
[also motioning to his shoulder]
Gregory LeMaise: Yrah!
Abercrombie: His right arm?
Gregory LeMaise: Yeah!
Abercrombie: What's his name?
Gregory LeMaise: Lefty!
[he breaks into raucous laughter]
Abercrombie: [he spills his drink into Ambercrombie's turban which is on his lap] You get it?
Abercrombie: [both are laughing] I didn't get it that time.
Gregory LeMaise: You didn't?
Abercrombie: No, no.
Gregory LeMaise: Lefty!
[he laughs even louder as Ambercrombie absentmindedly puts his turban on, drenching himself with the drink]
Gregory LeMaise: [Ambercrombie stops laughing] You know, you're a great fellow. You made me forget my troubles.
Abercrombie: You've drowned mine!
Gregory LeMaise: [laughs] You've got troubles too?
Abercrombie: Yes, sir.
Gregory LeMaise: [laughing] No, but I've got real troubles. I killed a man!
Abercrombie: [reacting to the camera] A man killed me. That's why I'm wearing this fake beard.


--Lou Costello (as Abercrombie) in Abbott and Costello in Hollywood

Nurse #1: You've just had a baby.
Weejie 'Tubby' McCoy: Oh a baby... is it a boy or girl?
Nurse #1: Boy.
Weejie 'Tubby' McCoy: Oh... does he look like me?
Nurse #1: Exactly like you.
Weejie 'Tubby' McCoy: Oh a baby... A BABY!
[jumps up from the gurney, revealing himself to be a man and runs away, the nurse screams and faints]
Flash Fulton: Where've you been?
Weejie 'Tubby' McCoy: Having a baby.


--Lou Costello (as Weejie 'Tubby' McCoy) in Hit the Ice

Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist: [hypnotizing Lou with a watch] Tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock...
Lou Francis: [gasps] You forgot to say the mouse went up the clock!


--Lou Costello (as Lou Francis) in Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man

Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist: I know, you saw this man disappear into thin air. Do you always see things?
Lou Francis: Only when my eyes are open.
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist: Did you ever see somebody disappear before?
Lou Francis: Yes sir, I have.
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist: This may explain it, seeing things. When did this happen?
Lou Francis: One day me and my brother were walking down the street... my brother disappeared.
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist: Into thin air?
Lou Francis: No, into a man hole.
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist: How about voices? Do you ever hear strange voices?
Lou Francis: Yes sir.
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist: Aha, and when do you hear these strange voices?
Lou Francis: When I get the wrong number on the telephone.


--Lou Costello (as Lou Francis) in Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man

Det. Roberts: [Tommy Nelson is gone] How did he get out?
Lou Francis: Installments.
Det. Roberts: Installments?
Lou Francis: Yeah, he did a Gypsy Rose Lee, come here!
[they find Tommy's clothes lying about]
Lou Francis: That, that's all that's left of him.
Det. Roberts: Evidently Nelson changed clothes... what was he wearing when you last saw him?
Lou Francis: Air... nothing but air... and then he asked me how he looked.
Det. Roberts: Wearing air? What are you talking about?
Lou Francis: I went to shake his hand, his hand was gone, I looked up to speak to him, his head was gone. Then he took off his shirt, his body was gone, he took off his pants, his legs were gone! Then he spoke to me, I was gone.


--Lou Costello (as Lou Francis) in Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man

Al Stewart: What's going on out there?
Wilbert: My in-laws are acting like out-laws.


--Lou Costello (as Wilbert Smith) in Comin' Round the Mountain

Blackie Benson: No, you don't want to drink. Remember, every time you go into a barroom, the Devil goes in with you.
Heathcliff: If he does, he buys his own drink.


--Lou Costello (as Heathcliff) in Keep 'Em Flying

Bud Jones: What's the idea of teaching midgets to wrestle?
Lou Hotchkiss: They're for those small television sets.


--Lou Costello (as Lou Hotchkiss) in Abbott and Costello in the Foreign Legion