Woodley: I say, what are you going to do with that pole.
Captain Viking: Well we were going to put it up in the fire station but if you don't push off...


--Will Hay (as ) in Where's That Fire?

Mr. Trimbletow: Ther's a place in Ireland called Buggleskelly.
William Porter: That's nothing, there's a place in Wales called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.


--Will Hay (as ) in Oh, Mr Porter!

Davis: [Asked to explain international commerce in a radio interview] Ah - well, the chief export from Portugal is - er - port, and the chief export of Brazil is - nuts. Well, now, the economic situation between port and nuts - that is to say between Portugal and Brazil, is that the Brazilians want to drink port with their nuts and the Portuguese want to eat nuts with their port; so the more the export of port from Portuguese ports which the Brazilian ports import - the greater the export of nuts which the Brazilian ports export and Portugal's ports import. Well, then - in other words - the people of Brazil are bound to grow more and more nuts.


--Will Hay (as Davis) in The Black Sheep of Whitehall

William Porter: [going into danger, reassuringly] I'm behind yer.
Jeremiah Harbottle: Do you want to go in front?
William Porter: No, I can see all right from here.


--Will Hay (as ) in Oh, Mr Porter!

William Porter: [sniffs] Is something burning somewhere?
Jeremiah Harbottle: That would be Albert, cooking the breakfast.
William Porter: Smells more like somebody cooking Albert.


--Will Hay (as ) in Oh, Mr Porter!

William Porter: Albert. Who's Albert?
Jeremiah Harbottle: He comes in for me when I'm not here.
William Porter: Well, which is his clock?
Jeremiah Harbottle: [Jerry puts William's clock on the mantelpiece] He hasn't got a clock. He's still alive.
William Porter: [snatching clock] Hey, give me that back!
Jeremiah Harbottle: What? Aren't you go to put it with the others?
William Porter: What, amongst them? They're a lot of tombstones!


--Will Hay (as ) in Oh, Mr Porter!

William Porter: Well, I can't give you the exact number at the moment.
William Porter: [pauses to think] But in rough figures I would say quite a lot.


--Will Hay (as ) in Oh, Mr Porter!

Superintendent: It's a country station, rather off the beaten track.
William Porter: Oh, I don't mind, as long as it's near the railway.


--Will Hay (as ) in Oh, Mr Porter!

Signalman: [wanting to know if he can let a train through] Can I stick me signals up?
William Porter: Yes, if it'll give you any pleasure.


--Will Hay (as ) in Oh, Mr Porter!

Voice in Box: West Bromwich Albion 3 Chelsea 5
Captain Ben Cutlet: Ooh, fancy - Chelsea won!
Cannibal Chief: What did Voice in Box say?
Captain Ben Cutlet: Oh, eh, something very unusual...!


--Will Hay (as ) in Windbag the Sailor