Oscar Madison: Blanche used to say to me, "What time do you want dinner" I'd say "I dunno, I'm not hungry". Then 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd wake her up and say "now". I've been one of the highest paid sports writers in the east for the past fourteen years, we saved eight and a half dollars in pennies. I'm never home, I gamble, burn cigar holes in the furniture, drink like a fish, lie to her every chance I get. Then on our tenth wedding anniversary, I took her to the New York Rangers-Detroit Red Wings hockey game where she got hit by a puck! I still can't figure out why she left me, that's how impossible I am.


--Walter Matthau (as Oscar Madison) in The Odd Couple

Oscar Madison: Don't come to me with your petty problems. You get this one stinkin' night a week. I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day.


--Walter Matthau (as Oscar Madison) in The Odd Couple

Oscar Madison: Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.


--Walter Matthau (as Oscar Madison) in The Odd Couple

Oscar Madison: Getting a clear picture on Channel 2 is not my idea of whoopee.


--Walter Matthau (as Oscar Madison) in The Odd Couple

Oscar Madison: Hey wait a minute, wait a minute, the pot's shy. Who didn't put in a quarter?
Murray: You didn't.
Oscar Madison: You got a big mouth, Murray. Just for that, lend me twenty dollars.
Murray: I just loaned you twenty dollars. Borrow from somebody else, I keep winning my own money back.
Roy: You owe everybody in the game. If you don't have it, you shouldn't play.
Oscar Madison: All right, I'm through being a nice guy, you owe me six dollars apiece for the buffet!
Vinnie: What Buffet?
[they all chime in]
Vinnie: What buffet?
Speed: What buffet? Hot beer and two sandwiches left over from when you went to high school.
Oscar Madison: What do you want at a poker game, a tomato surprise? Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I'll call your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.


--Walter Matthau (as Oscar Madison) in The Odd Couple

Oscar Madison: I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar!


--Walter Matthau (as Oscar Madison) in The Odd Couple

Oscar Madison: I know him. He'll kill himself just to spite me. Then his ghost will come back, folling me around the apartment, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning...


--Walter Matthau (as Oscar Madison) in The Odd Couple

Oscar Madison: I'm $800 behind in alimony. Let's raise the stakes.
Roy: They can do it, you know.
Oscar Madison: Do what?
Roy: Throw you in jail.
Oscar Madison: Never. If she can't call me up once a week to aggravate me, she's not happy.
Murray the Cop: Aren't you worried about the kids?
Oscar Madison: Murray, the kids are living in their grandfather's house with a swimming pool in California. Can we just play cards?
Roy: I told you you'd get into trouble. It's because you don't know how manage anything. I should know - I'm your accountant.
Oscar Madison: If you're my accountant, how come I need money?
Roy: If you need money, how come you play poker?
Oscar Madison: 'Cause I need money.
Roy: But you always lose.
Oscar Madison: That's why I need the money.
Roy: Then don't play poker.
Oscar Madison: Then don't come to my house and eat my potato chips.
[grabs the bag of potato chips on the poker table and flings the entire contents all over the living room]
Oscar Madison: You see, wise guy? Potato chips!
Murray the Cop: Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
[an argument ensues with everyone bickering all at once]
Murray the Cop: What are you yelling about? We're playing a friendly game!
[the bickering continues]
Murray the Cop: All right, all right, ALL RIGHT! Calm down, calm down, take it easy. I'm a cop, you know - I can arrest the whole lousy game.
[they all quiet down]
Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the cop is right. Let's just play cards and please hold them up. I can't see where I marked them.
Roy: He owes money to his wife, his government and his friends and he still won't take it seriously.
Oscar Madison: Life goes on even for tho

--Walter Matthau (as Oscar Madison) in The Odd Couple

Oscar Madison: It takes two to make a rotten mariage.


--Walter Matthau (as Oscar Madison) in The Odd Couple

Oscar Madison: Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun.


--Walter Matthau (as Oscar Madison) in The Odd Couple