The Great Man: Suffering sciatica! Last time is was pink elephants.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

The Great Man: You're about to fall heir to a kitten's stocking.
Heckler: What's a kitten's stocking?
The Great Man: A sock on the puss.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

The Great McGonigle: [after Baby Albert has splashed soup over him] I don't know whether to eat from the coat or the plate!
Cleopatra Pepperday: [after Baby Albert throws McGonigles watch into a bowl of molasses] Oh, Albert! Look what you've done to Mr. McGonigle's watch! Oh...
[the watch is shown sinking]
Cleopatra Pepperday: Oh, I'm so sorry... Oh, Mr. McGonigle!
The Great McGonigle: It's all right.
Cleopatra Pepperday: He has such an impulsive nature.
The Great McGonigle: Yeah, just like my own. Don't apo;ogize. It's all right. It's just a little child... it's just a little child.
Cleopatra Pepperday: Oh, he does the cutest things!
The Great McGonigle: That he does!
Cleopatra Pepperday: You should see him when no one's around.
The Great McGonigle: Oh, I'd like to catch him sometime when...
[Correcting himself]
The Great McGonigle: Uh, SEE him sometime when no one's around.
Cleopatra Pepperday: Oh, Albert, why did you do that?
The Great McGonigle: [Mumbling to himself] Bet the minute hand won't be a bit of use after this!
Cleopatra Pepperday: Mr. McGonigle, I hope he hasn't hurt your watch.
The Great McGonigle: [Sarcastically] Oh, no, how could you hurt a watch by dipping it in molasses?
Cleopatra Pepperday: Oh, he's never done that before.
[She titters]
The Great McGonigle: Well, I hope he doesn't do it again - not with this watch.


--W.C. Fields (as The Great McGonigle / Squire Cribbs in 'The Drunkard') in The Old Fashioned Way

The Great McGonigle: [as the boarding house guest are eating] The soup sounds good.


--W.C. Fields (as The Great McGonigle / Squire Cribbs in 'The Drunkard') in The Old Fashioned Way

The Great McGonigle: [In character in "The Drunkard," the play-within-a play] It ain't a fit night out for man or beast!


--W.C. Fields (as The Great McGonigle / Squire Cribbs in 'The Drunkard') in The Old Fashioned Way

The Great McGonigle: [referring to Cleopatra] She's all dressed up loke a well-kept grave.


--W.C. Fields (as The Great McGonigle / Squire Cribbs in 'The Drunkard') in The Old Fashioned Way

The Producer: This script is an insult to a man's intelligence. Even mine.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

Peggy: I'm sitting on something!
Professor Quail: I lost mine in the stock market.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in International House

Peggy: Won't you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there's room enough I'll join you.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in International House

Dick Bronson: Mr. McGonigle, I've got to have some money.
The Great McGonigle: Yes, my lad, how much?
Dick Bronson: Two dollars.
The Great McGonigle: If I had two dollars, I'd start a number two company.
Dick Bronson: For two cents I'd quit.
The Great McGonigle: [to Marmaduke] Pay him off!
[Marmaduke gives him a two cent stamp]


--W.C. Fields (as The Great McGonigle / Squire Cribbs in 'The Drunkard') in The Old Fashioned Way