Irma La Douce:
You know, I'm sort of glad about that girl in Dijon, with the cough.
Nestor Patou: You are?
Irma La Douce: Because frankly, in the police van I thought that you'd never in your life, uh...
Nestor Patou: Oh, she wasn't the only girl. I've had more than one girl.
Irma La Douce: How many?
Nestor Patou: Altogether? Oh, let me see...
Irma La Douce: Three?
Nestor Patou: Not as many as that.
--Jack Lemmon (as Nestor Patou / Lord X) in Irma la Douce
Nestor Patou: You are?
Irma La Douce: Because frankly, in the police van I thought that you'd never in your life, uh...
Nestor Patou: Oh, she wasn't the only girl. I've had more than one girl.
Irma La Douce: How many?
Nestor Patou: Altogether? Oh, let me see...
Irma La Douce: Three?
Nestor Patou: Not as many as that.
--Jack Lemmon (as Nestor Patou / Lord X) in Irma la Douce
Irma La Douce:
You oughta be ashamed of yourself, scaring a poor little dog like that.
Nestor Patou: They oughta take that dog away from you, you're not a fit mother.
--Jack Lemmon (as Nestor Patou / Lord X) in Irma la Douce
Nestor Patou: They oughta take that dog away from you, you're not a fit mother.
--Jack Lemmon (as Nestor Patou / Lord X) in Irma la Douce
Mrs. Carlyle Hardwicke:
To put it plainly, Mr. Gridley, I have a dubious reputation.
William 'Bill' Gridley: You DO? I'll pay you 45 pounds a month.
--Jack Lemmon (as ) in The Notorious Landlady
William 'Bill' Gridley: You DO? I'll pay you 45 pounds a month.
--Jack Lemmon (as ) in The Notorious Landlady
Oscar Madison:
[Felix is making weird noises in the diner] Stop that, will ya? What are you doing?
Felix Ungar: I'm trying to clear up my ears! Fmuh! Fmuh! You create a pressure inside your head, HMAHHH! Opens up the Eustachian tubes. HMAHH! HMAAHH! HMAH-huh! FMAAAAAHHH!
[the other customers look at him strangely]
Oscar Madison: Did it open up?
Felix Ungar: Uh-huh, I think I sprained my throat. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
--Jack Lemmon (as Felix Ungar) in The Odd Couple
Felix Ungar: I'm trying to clear up my ears! Fmuh! Fmuh! You create a pressure inside your head, HMAHHH! Opens up the Eustachian tubes. HMAHH! HMAAHH! HMAH-huh! FMAAAAAHHH!
[the other customers look at him strangely]
Oscar Madison: Did it open up?
Felix Ungar: Uh-huh, I think I sprained my throat. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
--Jack Lemmon (as Felix Ungar) in The Odd Couple
Oscar Madison:
Can't you keep it warm?
Felix Ungar: Who the hell do you think I am, the Magic Chef? I'm lucky I got it to come out at eight o'clock. Wh-wh-what am I gonna do?
Oscar Madison: I dunno, keep pouring gravy on it.
Felix Ungar: Gravy? What gravy?
Oscar Madison: Don't you have any gravy?
Felix Ungar: Where the hell am I gonna get gravy at eight o'clock?
Oscar Madison: I dunno, I though it comes when you cook the meat.
Felix Ungar: [under his breath] Comes when you cook the meat.
[stares at him for a moment]
Felix Ungar: You don't know what you're talking about, Oscar. You just don't know, because you have to MAKE gravy, it doesn't come!
Oscar Madison: Well, you asked my advice...
Felix Ungar: [explodes] Your advice? You didn't even know where this kitchen was until I came hear and showed it to you.
Oscar Madison: Listen buddy, if you're going to argue with me, put down that spoon.
Felix Ungar: Spoon? Haha, you dumb ignoramus, that is a ladle! You did not know that's a ladle!
Oscar Madison: Get a hold of yourself, will ya?
Felix Ungar: You think it's so easy? Go ahead, kitchen's yours, all yours, you make a meatloaf for four people who come a half-hour late. Go on.
Oscar Madison: I can't believe I'm arguing with him over gravy.
Felix Ungar: [doorbell rings] They're here - the dinner guests. I'll get a saw and cut the meat!
--Jack Lemmon (as Felix Ungar) in The Odd Couple
Felix Ungar: Who the hell do you think I am, the Magic Chef? I'm lucky I got it to come out at eight o'clock. Wh-wh-what am I gonna do?
Oscar Madison: I dunno, keep pouring gravy on it.
Felix Ungar: Gravy? What gravy?
Oscar Madison: Don't you have any gravy?
Felix Ungar: Where the hell am I gonna get gravy at eight o'clock?
Oscar Madison: I dunno, I though it comes when you cook the meat.
Felix Ungar: [under his breath] Comes when you cook the meat.
[stares at him for a moment]
Felix Ungar: You don't know what you're talking about, Oscar. You just don't know, because you have to MAKE gravy, it doesn't come!
Oscar Madison: Well, you asked my advice...
Felix Ungar: [explodes] Your advice? You didn't even know where this kitchen was until I came hear and showed it to you.
Oscar Madison: Listen buddy, if you're going to argue with me, put down that spoon.
Felix Ungar: Spoon? Haha, you dumb ignoramus, that is a ladle! You did not know that's a ladle!
Oscar Madison: Get a hold of yourself, will ya?
Felix Ungar: You think it's so easy? Go ahead, kitchen's yours, all yours, you make a meatloaf for four people who come a half-hour late. Go on.
Oscar Madison: I can't believe I'm arguing with him over gravy.
Felix Ungar: [doorbell rings] They're here - the dinner guests. I'll get a saw and cut the meat!
--Jack Lemmon (as Felix Ungar) in The Odd Couple
Oscar Madison:
Where are you going?
Felix Ungar: To the john.
Oscar Madison: Alone?
Felix Ungar: I always go alone. Why?
Oscar Madison: No reason. You going to be in there long?
Felix Ungar: As long as it takes.
--Jack Lemmon (as Felix Ungar) in The Odd Couple
Felix Ungar: To the john.
Oscar Madison: Alone?
Felix Ungar: I always go alone. Why?
Oscar Madison: No reason. You going to be in there long?
Felix Ungar: As long as it takes.
--Jack Lemmon (as Felix Ungar) in The Odd Couple
Oscar Madison:
You're not gonna make any effort to change? This is the person you're gonna be until the day you die?
Felix Ungar: We are what we are.
--Jack Lemmon (as Felix Ungar) in The Odd Couple
Felix Ungar: We are what we are.
--Jack Lemmon (as Felix Ungar) in The Odd Couple
[about Willie Gingrich, his shyster lawyer brother-in-law]
Harry Hinkle: He's so full of twists. He starts to describe a donut and it comes out a pretzel.
--Jack Lemmon (as Harry Hinkle) in The Fortune Cookie
Harry Hinkle: He's so full of twists. He starts to describe a donut and it comes out a pretzel.
--Jack Lemmon (as Harry Hinkle) in The Fortune Cookie
[after meeting Gladys in central Park]
Pete Sheppard: Good luck to you, Gladys. I sure hope you make a name for yourself, if that's what you want. If that's what you really want, you'll get it.
Gladys Glover: How?
Pete Sheppard: I don't know. Just a theory of mine: that not only 'where there's a will, there's a way'... but, 'where's there's a way, there's a will'. See?
--Jack Lemmon (as ) in It Should Happen to You
Pete Sheppard: Good luck to you, Gladys. I sure hope you make a name for yourself, if that's what you want. If that's what you really want, you'll get it.
Gladys Glover: How?
Pete Sheppard: I don't know. Just a theory of mine: that not only 'where there's a will, there's a way'... but, 'where's there's a way, there's a will'. See?
--Jack Lemmon (as ) in It Should Happen to You
[first lines]
C.C. Baxter: [narrating] On November 1st, 1959, the population of New York City was 8,042,783. If you laid all these people end to end, figuring an average height of five feet six and a half inches, they would reach from Times Square to the outskirts of Karachi, Pakistan. I know facts like this because I work for an insurance company - Consolidated Life of New York. We're one of the top five companies in the country. Our home office has 31,259 employees, which is more than the entire population of uhh... Natchez, Mississippi. I work on the 19th floor. Ordinary Policy Department, Premium Accounting Division, Section W, desk number 861.
--Jack Lemmon (as C.C. Baxter) in The Apartment
C.C. Baxter: [narrating] On November 1st, 1959, the population of New York City was 8,042,783. If you laid all these people end to end, figuring an average height of five feet six and a half inches, they would reach from Times Square to the outskirts of Karachi, Pakistan. I know facts like this because I work for an insurance company - Consolidated Life of New York. We're one of the top five companies in the country. Our home office has 31,259 employees, which is more than the entire population of uhh... Natchez, Mississippi. I work on the 19th floor. Ordinary Policy Department, Premium Accounting Division, Section W, desk number 861.
--Jack Lemmon (as C.C. Baxter) in The Apartment
