Chambermaid: [to Felix as he walks by] Goodnight.
Felix Ungar: Goodbye.


--Jack Lemmon (as Felix Ungar) in The Odd Couple

Harold Lampson: I am speaking to you now not as your lawyer but as your friend. Stan, you are a grown man and grown men simply can't, repeat cannot, go around spreading terror on the New York streets at the height of the noon hour accompanied -will you stop just a minute, Stan?- by naked women.
Stanley Ford: She wasn't naked. She had a diamond in her navel.


--Jack Lemmon (as Stanley Ford) in How to Murder Your Wife

Gladys Glover: Listen, Peter, I'm over twenty-one.
Pete Sheppard: From the neck down, yeah.


--Jack Lemmon (as ) in It Should Happen to You

C.C. Baxter: [Opens his bedroom door, tosses a pair of gloves in, and is about to step out, but he has seen Fran lying on the bed] All right, Miss Kubelik, get up.
[No response from the unconscious Fran]
C.C. Baxter: It's past checking-out time. The management would greatly appreciate it if you would get the hell out of here!
[Still no response]
C.C. Baxter: I used to like you. I used to like you a lot. But it's all over between us. So beat it!
[No responss]
C.C. Baxter: Oh, you, tee, out!
[No response]
C.C. Baxter: C'mon, wake up!
[Tries to drag her out, and she falls limp. Then he catches sight of the bottle of sleeping pills]
C.C. Baxter: Oh, my God...!


--Jack Lemmon (as C.C. Baxter) in The Apartment

C.C. Baxter: I know how you feel, Miss Kubelik. You think it's the end of the world - but it's not, really. I went through exactly the same thing myself.
Fran Kubelik: You did?
C.C. Baxter: Well, maybe not exactly - I tried to do it with a gun.
Fran Kubelik: Over a girl?
C.C. Baxter: Worse than that - she was the wife of my best friend - and I was mad for her. But I knew it was hopeless - so I decided to end it all. I went to a pawnshop and bought a forty-five automatic and drove up to Eden Park - do you know Cincinnati?
Fran Kubelik: No, I don't.
C.C. Baxter: Anyway, I parked the car and loaded the gun - well, you read in the papers all the time that people shoot themselves, but believe me, it's not that easy - I mean, how do you do it? - here, or here, or here -
[with cocked finger, he points to his temple, mouth and chest]
C.C. Baxter: - you know where I finally shot myself?
Fran Kubelik: Where?
C.C. Baxter: [indicating kneecap] Here.
Fran Kubelik: In the knee?
C.C. Baxter: Uh-huh. While I was sitting there, trying to make my mind up, a cop stuck his head in the car, because I was illegally parked - so I started to hide the gun under the seat and it went off - pow!
Fran Kubelik: [laughing] That's terrible.
C.C. Baxter: Yeah. Took me a year before I could bend my knee - but I got over the girl in three weeks. She still lives in Cincinnati, has four kids, gained twenty pounds - she sends me a fruit cake every Christmas.


--Jack Lemmon (as C.C. Baxter) in The Apartment

C.C. Baxter: That's the way it crumbles... cookie-wise.


--Jack Lemmon (as C.C. Baxter) in The Apartment

Felix Ungar: [in the meat department of the supermarket, to the butcher] I'd like, uh, fresh ground.
Butcher: [pointing to the package of hamburger in Felix's hand] That's fresh.
Felix Ungar: That's not fresh. That's packaged. I want fresh.
Butcher: How much?
Felix Ungar: Four pounds. Exactly.
[the butcher gives him a weird look, then turns away to get his hamburger]


--Jack Lemmon (as Felix Ungar) in The Odd Couple

Felix Ungar: I'm a neurotic nut, but you're crazy!


--Jack Lemmon (as Felix Ungar) in The Odd Couple

Harry Hinkle: [Harry looks disgustingly at Sandy while she's on the floor looking for her contact lens] I don't want to find you here when I get back. And take your damn meatloaf with you.


--Jack Lemmon (as Harry Hinkle) in The Fortune Cookie

Harry Hinkle: Of course he's upset. He's a lawyer - he's paid to be upset.


--Jack Lemmon (as Harry Hinkle) in The Fortune Cookie