Henderson: The last time I was in this room there were four beds here.
Otis B. Driftwood: Please! I'm not interested in your private life, Henderson.


--Groucho Marx (as Otis B. Driftwood) in A Night at the Opera

Henderson: What is that bed doing there?
Otis B. Driftwood: I don't see it do anything.


--Groucho Marx (as Otis B. Driftwood) in A Night at the Opera

Henderson: What's a hermit doing with four beds?
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you see those first three beds?
Henderson: Yes.
Otis B. Driftwood: Last night, I counted five thousand sheep in those three beds, so I had to have another bed to sleep in. You wouldn't want me to sleep with the sheep, would you?


--Groucho Marx (as Otis B. Driftwood) in A Night at the Opera

Bob Adams: Oh Mr. Hammer, there's a man outside wants to see you with a black mustache.
Hammer: Tell him I've got one.


--Groucho Marx (as ) in The Cocoanuts

Abe Green - Editor of Variety: Now listen, Deveraux. You and I both know this check is no good.
Lionel Q. Deveraux: Oh? I thought only I knew it.


--Groucho Marx (as ) in Copacabana

Ship Captain: I cannot let the evening pass without paying a little tribute to our distinguished guests of honor - the three greatest aviators in the world.
Otis B. Driftwood: Three greatest aviators, but you notice they're traveling by boat.


--Groucho Marx (as Otis B. Driftwood) in A Night at the Opera

Whitmore: Just a minute, Mrs Upjohn. That looks like a horse pill to me.
Dr. Hackenbush: Oh, you've taken them before.
Mrs. Upjohn: Are you sure, Doctor, you haven't made a mistake?
Dr. Hackenbush: You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby.
Whitmore: May I examine this, please? Do you actually give those to your patients? Isn't it awfully large for a pill?
Dr. Hackenbush: Well, it was too small for a basketball, and I didn't know what to do with it. Say, you're awfully large for a pill yourself.


--Groucho Marx (as Dr. Hackenbush) in A Day at the Races

Whitmore: The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences.
Dr. Hackenbush: Well, medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic.
Whitmore: Ah, and what happened?
Dr. Hackenbush: I got the flu.


--Groucho Marx (as Dr. Hackenbush) in A Day at the Races

Dr. Hackenbush: [to Dr. Steinberg] Don't point that beard at me! It might go off!


--Groucho Marx (as Dr. Hackenbush) in A Day at the Races

Dr. Hackenbush: And I've got a question for you: Steinberg, what do you do with your old razor blades?


--Groucho Marx (as Dr. Hackenbush) in A Day at the Races