Slaygirl: We're here if you need us.
Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: I got the wife with me!


--Dean Martin (as ) in Murderers' Row

The Waiter: I asume you wish her invited to the party.
Ray Hunter: She is the party.


--Dean Martin (as ) in Ten Thousand Bedrooms

Quintana: [struggling to stay afloat in a settling vat] I can't swim!
Matt Helm: Drink yourself to the bottom.


--Dean Martin (as ) in The Ambushers

Quintana: This is our light beer. Care for a taste?
Matt Helm: Oh, I never touch the stuff. Except when I'm working.


--Dean Martin (as ) in The Ambushers

Maria Stoner: I thought he was your friend?
Dee Bishop: He is, but that don't make him any less disgusting. You take Pop, for instance. He was due to be shot the day he was born. And that heart of his is nothing more but a festering sore.


--Dean Martin (as Dee Bishop) in Bandolero!

Phoebe Ann Naylor: Well, it's plain to see you're no gentleman!
[admiring Phoebe Ann's figure barely concealed by a wet blanket]
Sam Hollis: Well, it's plain to see you're not one, either.


--Dean Martin (as Sam Hollis) in Texas Across the River

Don Andrea Baldazar aka Baldy: Ten paces.
Sam Hollis: Ten paces?
Don Andrea Baldazar aka Baldy: Why, that is customary. Do you wish to give the command to begin or shall I?
Sam Hollis: I don't know what you got in mind, Baldy, but I'm here for a shootout.
Don Andrea Baldazar aka Baldy: Precisely. You take ten steps that way; I take ten steps this way. Then we turn...
Sam Hollis: Turn? Step? I ain't here for no square dance! Now which end of town do you want to come from?


--Dean Martin (as Sam Hollis) in Texas Across the River

Don Andrea Baldazar aka Baldy: This is night. Are you going to sleep?
Sam Hollis: Well, it ain't healthy to travel through Comanche territory in the daytime, so we'll travel at night.
Don Andrea Baldazar aka Baldy: Oh, when we ride, the savage sleeps. Yes?
Sam Hollis: Yep. Them Comanches believe the moon is an evil spirit.


--Dean Martin (as Sam Hollis) in Texas Across the River

Don Andrea Baldazar aka Baldy: You stand so; I stand so. And then...
Sam Hollis: Back to back? Now what kind of shootout is that?
Don Andrea Baldazar aka Baldy: Please Sam Hollis. I have dueled many times in Spain and I'm...
Sam Hollis: But this isn't Spain - it's Texas!
Don Andrea Baldazar aka Baldy: Even a simple duel you cannot perform in a civilized manner!
Sam Hollis: We have had civilized killings around here for years. I come from one end of town like this and you come from the other end... and you get the itch, you draw.


--Dean Martin (as Sam Hollis) in Texas Across the River

Gail Hendrix: I want some music.
[Gail turns on car radio, Frank Sinatra's "Come Fly With Me" plays]
Matt Helm: Oh, turn him off, he's terrible!
[Gail changes the station, Dean Martin's "Everybody Loves Somebody" plays]
Matt Helm: Now that's a guy that can sing!


--Dean Martin (as Matt Helm) in The Silencers