Chamberlain: You're a nihilist - that's what you are!
Virgil Smith: I am not! I'm a Presbyterian!


--Bing Crosby (as Virgil Smith) in The Emperor Waltz

[after Bob has found out about Phil and Judy's phony engagement]
Judy Haynes: It's just that she's always been something of a mother hen.
Phil Davis: Yeah, and we wanted Mother Hen to leave the nest so that Little Chick could... I guess we laid an egg.
Bob Wallace: An egg? Brother, you laid a Vermont volleyball!


--Bing Crosby (as Bob Wallace) in White Christmas

[Chester has the hiccups]
Duke: Can't you suppress it somehow?
Chester Hooton: Frighten me.
Duke: I can't, I haven't got a mirror.


--Bing Crosby (as Duke Johnson / Junior Hooton) in Road to Utopia

[Father Conroy tries to reform Phil, an alcoholic]
Phil Stanley: I'm a little too old to still believe in Santa Claus.
Father Conroy: That's too bad, Phil. He still believes in you.
Phil Stanley: You're not talking about Santa Claus.
Father Conroy: Neither are you. You think you're going to find out what you lost in that bottle?
Phil Stanley: Maybe in the next one. I haven't tried all the bottles yet. But maybe I should get the Christmas spirit. Isn't this time of year when all the little girls and boys suddenly start to behave?
Father Conroy: That's not the real secret of Christmas, Phil. Give it a try. Stop bending your elbow and start bending your knee!


--Bing Crosby (as Father Conroy) in Say One for Me

[first lines]
Hank Martin: Here ya are.
[pays taxi driver]
Hank Martin: Hey, has this castle always had four turrets?
Pendragon Castle door man: Always.


--Bing Crosby (as Hank Martin) in A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

[Harold has been caught in a tree snare, proving the island is inhabited]
George Cochran: I wonder what the locals are like?
Princess Lala: I hope they're not cannibals or headhunters!
Harold Gridley: I hope they're orange pickers, I want to get out of this tree!
George Cochran: Oh, stop squawking, you'll fall off when you're ripe!


--Bing Crosby (as George Cochran) in Road to Bali

[to the Haynes sisters]
Phil Davis: Mr. Wallace was just saying how remarkable it was that Benny Haynes' sisters should have eyes...
[voice cracks]
Phil Davis: ...I mean, blue eyes. That is eyes...
Bob Wallace: Nice out.


--Bing Crosby (as Bob Wallace) in White Christmas

Jeff Peters: Turkey, from now on you're sacred.
Turkey Jackson: What do you mean, sacred?
Jeff Peters: You just became a full-blooded American idiot.
Turkey Jackson: No, you do it! Who's gonna believe *I'm* an idiot?
Jeff Peters: Will you look at the head start you got?


--Bing Crosby (as Jeff Peters) in Road to Morocco

Turkey Jackson: A fine thing. First, you sell me for two hundred bucks. Then I'm gonna marry the Princess; then you cut in on me. Then we're carried off by a desert sheik. Now, we're gonna have our heads chopped off.
Jeff Peters: I know all that.
Turkey Jackson: Yeah, but the people who came in the middle of the picture don't.
Jeff Peters: You mean they missed my song?


--Bing Crosby (as Jeff Peters) in Road to Morocco

Turkey Jackson: Aunt Lucy. I can see her now, lying on her dying bed, looking at you with those big, trusting eyes. 'Before I go, Jeff, promise me one thing,' she said. 'Promise me you'll always be a friend to little Orville,' she said. 'No matter what happens, you'll never leave the little jerk,' she said. 'Promise me, Jeff, promise me,' she said.
Jeff Peters: Yeah, then she up and died before I had the chance to say no.


--Bing Crosby (as Jeff Peters) in Road to Morocco