Capt. T.G. Culpeper: You know what I believe I'd like? A chocolate fudge sundae with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
[Everybody stares]
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Nothing will happen here for five minutes.
Secretary Schwartz: Mrs. Culpeper on the phone.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: No calls. No calls. No more calls.
Lt. Matthews: Something's wrong.
Police sergeant: Why? Does something gotta be wrong? He feels like a chocolate fudge sundae. So what? He has a chocolate fudge sundae.


--Alan Carney (as Police Sergeant) in It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Jerry Miles: [after jumping into a foxhole to take cover from a Japanese machine gunner during a raging battle] Boy, what a scrap!
Mike Strager: Yeah, it's just like when Brooklyn plays the Giants.


--Alan Carney (as ) in Rookies in Burma

Jerry Miles: And she's pretty, too.
Mike Strager: Yeah. So is my peanut.


--Alan Carney (as ) in The Adventures of a Rookie

Jerry Miles: You ought to diet.
Mike Strager: No, I like it this color.


--Alan Carney (as ) in The Adventures of a Rookie

Monty Stephens: [to the Bosun's Mate] There's three things that worry me, Chief, ever since we had to drop out of the convoy. Where are we, where we're headed, and do you think we'll make it?
Orval 'Handsome' Martin: Yeah, and will the beer be cold when we get there?


--Alan Carney (as ) in Seven Days Ashore

First Referee: There's nothing in the rule book that says one team can't jump higher than the other.


--Alan Carney (as First Referee) in The Absent-Minded Professor

Orval 'Handsome' Martin: There's certainly a lot of stupid people in this world.
Monty Stephens: You can say that again!
Orval 'Handsome' Martin: There's certainly a lot od stupid people in this world.


--Alan Carney (as ) in Seven Days Ashore

Police Chief Aloysius: [to Captain Culpeper] It's no. The answer is no. He won't back any increase in pensions. He won't even talk about it. And there won't be any increase in pensions. And do you know why? Because they got a solid majority of both Republicans and Democrats who've agreed that if anything is said about pensions, they'll actually reduce your pension! Why? Because they know that you personally were more responsible than anybody else for closing down the houses. And could I do anything? Would he listen to me? Hah! All right. So you're an honest cop. And you've spent a lifetime being an honest cop. And you've got that, and that's all you've got! It's no good saying I'm sorry. I'm too angry and sick at my stomach to be sorry.


--Alan Carney (as Police Sergeant) in It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Police radio voice unit F-7: [voice] F-7 to Central. The Crumps are locked in a hardware store basement. Should I let them out? Over.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement? We gotta let them out.
Police sergeant: That ain't fair.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
Police sergeant: They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uh, after all, if you help them, you're not being fair to the others.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: But, the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick 'em up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?
Police sergeant: Uh uh, it's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me? I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy, Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody. Otherwise, it just ain't fair.


--Alan Carney (as Police Sergeant) in It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World