Max Bialystock: [smiling at Leo to calm him down] Well you know what they say, 'smile and the world smiles with you'
[looks at audience]
Max Bialystock: this man should be in a straight-jacket

Max Bialystock: Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life, Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison... HEEELLP!

Max Bialystock: Don't you see, darling Bloom, glorious Bloom? It's so simple. STEP ONE: We find the worst play ever written, a surefire flop. STEP TWO: I raise a million bucks. Lots of little old ladies out there. STEP THREE: You go back to work on the books, two of them - one for the government, one for us. You can do it, Bloom; you're a wizard! STEP FOUR: We open on Broadway. And before you can say STEP FIVE, we *close* on Broadway! STEP SIX: We take our million bucks and fly to *Rio!*

Max Bialystock: Have I ever steered you wrong?
Franz Liebkind: Always.
Max Bialystock: Never mind.

Max Bialystock: How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?

Max Bialystock: Leo, he who hesitates is poor!

Max Bialystock: Listen. Every night people are laughing at your beloved Fuhrer. Why?
Franz Liebkind: It's that L.S.D., und his verdampter "babies"!

Max Bialystock: Max Bialystock is launching himself into little old lady land.

Max Bialystock: Money is honey! Money is honey!

Max Bialystock: Oooooooh, I WANT THAT MONEY!