Policeman: You fellows alright?
Ray: Now they show up. Where were you when we needed you?
Irwin: Writing parking tickets, I suppose.
Policeman: They're still alive.

Police Chief Aloysius: [to Captain Culpeper] It's no. The answer is no. He won't back any increase in pensions. He won't even talk about it. And there won't be any increase in pensions. And do you know why? Because they got a solid majority of both Republicans and Democrats who've agreed that if anything is said about pensions, they'll actually reduce your pension! Why? Because they know that you personally were more responsible than anybody else for closing down the houses. And could I do anything? Would he listen to me? Hah! All right. So you're an honest cop. And you've spent a lifetime being an honest cop. And you've got that, and that's all you've got! It's no good saying I'm sorry. I'm too angry and sick at my stomach to be sorry.

Police radio voice unit F-7: [voice] F-7 to Central. The Crumps are locked in a hardware store basement. Should I let them out? Over.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement? We gotta let them out.
Police sergeant: That ain't fair.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
Police sergeant: They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uh, after all, if you help them, you're not being fair to the others.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: But, the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick 'em up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?
Police sergeant: Uh uh, it's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me? I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy, Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody. Otherwise, it just ain't fair.

Benjy Benjamin: [in a hospital in bandages and casts] This is all your fault. This is all your fault right from the beginning to the end.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: You know, even for a policeman, your behavior was ruddy outrageous.
Sylvester Marcus: Yeah, you could have taken a fair share like the rest of us, but no. You had to go and wrap up the whole scene, baby.
Ding Bell: We had 350,000 bucks right in our hands.
Melville Crump: Let's see, 14 into $350,000...
Ding Bell: [groans] Oh, shut up!

Benjy Benjamin: [while Benji tries to fly the plane, Ding tries putting head phones on Benji's head] Hey, get outta here.
Ding Bell: Put them on.
Benjy Benjamin: I don't wanna.
Ding Bell: Benji, I tell you, he said the man who's flying should be talking on this thing.
Benjy Benjamin: What, am I supposed to everything? You want me to fly the airplane, you want me to work the radio, what are you gonna... What are you, the hostess?

Benjy Benjamin: If I have to climb much more of *this* I'll be lying down there *with* him!

Benjy Benjamin: Look! We've figured it seventeen different ways, and every time we figured it, it was no good, because no matter how we figured it, somebody don't like the way we figured it! So now, there's only one way to figure it. And that is, every man, including the old bag, for himself!
Ding Bell: So good luck, and may the best man win!
Benjy Benjamin: [to Mrs. Marcus] Right! Except you,lady. May you just drop dead!
Lennie Pike: All right, all right, we all agree on that. Now look, let's be sensible about this thing. There's money in this for all of us. Right? There's enough for you, there's enough for you, and for me, and for you, and there's enough for...
[they all race to their cars]

Benjy Benjamin: Wall? Walnut tree?
Ding Bell: No.
Benjy Benjamin: Walnuts?
Ding Bell: No.
Benjy Benjamin: In bags?
Ding Bell: NO!

J. Algernon Hawthorne: [Russell takes a swing at him and misses] So it's fisticuffs you want, is it? Right, stick 'em up!
J. Russell Finch: Don't hit me! Don't hit me!
[Hawthorne chases him around the car, until the two bump into one another]
J. Algernon Hawthorne: [looks at his arm] Blood!
J. Russell Finch: It certainly is.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Aah!
[Russell swings at him again]
J. Russell Finch: [Hawthorne runs] Come back here, ya blimey...!

J. Algernon Hawthorne: Jolly nasty accident there. Jolly lucky nobody was hurt.
Mrs. Marcus: Where did you get that funny accent? Are you from Harvard or something?
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Harvard? Rather not. I'm English.
Mrs. Marcus: Sounds so foreign.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Really?