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Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx
(as Professor Wagstaff)

Baravelli: [through speakeasy's door] Who are you?
Professor Wagstaff: I'm fine, thanks, who are you?
Baravelli: I'm fine too, but you can't come in unless you give the password.
Professor Wagstaff: Well, what is the password?
Baravelli: Aw, no. You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It's the name of a fish.
Professor Wagstaff: Is it Mary?
Baravelli: Ha-ha. That's-a no fish.
Professor Wagstaff: She isn't? Well, she drinks like one. Let me see: Is it sturgeon?
Baravelli: Hey, you crazy. Sturgeon, he's a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance.
Professor Wagstaff: I got it. Haddock.
Baravelli: That's-a funny. I gotta haddock, too.
Professor Wagstaff: What do you take for a haddock?
Baravelli: Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a Calamel.
Professor Wagstaff: Say, I'd walk a mile for a Calamel.
Baravelli: You mean chocolate calamel. I like that too, but you no guess it. Hey, what's-a matter, you no understand English? You can't come in here unless you say, "Swordfish." Now I'll give you one more guess.
Professor Wagstaff: ...swordfish, swordfish... I think I got it. Is it "swordfish"?
Baravelli: Hah. That's-a it. You guess it.
Professor Wagstaff: Pretty good, eh?

Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx
(as Professor Wagstaff)

Connie: [Professor Wagstaff and Connie are in a canoe- a duck is swimming nearby. Connie speaks in a baby voice] Is gweat big stwong man gonna tell icky baby all about the bad football signals?
Professor Wagstaff: Was that you or the duck? 'Cause if it was you, I'm going to finish this ride with the duck.

Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx
(as Professor Wagstaff)

Connie: If icky baby don't learn about the football signals, icky baby gonna cwy.
Professor Wagstaff: If icky girl keep on talking that way, big stwong man's gonna kick all of her teef wight down her fwoat.

Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx
(as Professor Wagstaff)

Connie: Oh, Professor, you're full of whimsy.
Professor Wagstaff: Can you notice it from there? I'm always that way after I eat radishes.

Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx
(as Professor Wagstaff)

Jennings: [at the College Widow's apartment] Pretty popular place, huh?
Professor Wagstaff: Yes, a hot dog stand would clean up here.


Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx
(as Professor Wagstaff)

Jennings: I love good music.
Professor Wagstaff: So do I, let's get out of here.
Jennings: Sit down!
Professor Wagstaff: [to the audience] I've got to stay here, but there's no reason why you folks shouldn't go out into the lobby until this thing to blows over.

Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx
(as Professor Wagstaff)

Jennings: If this is a singing lesson I'm a ring-tailed monkey!
Professor Wagstaff: This is a singing lesson, and keep your family out of it.

Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx
(as Professor Wagstaff)

Jennings: What are you doing here?
Baravelli: Me? I'm the music teacher. I give her singing lessons.
Jennings: [to Connie] Since when are you taking singing lessons?
Baravelli: Since you came in.
Jennings: [to Wagstaff] What are you doing here?
Professor Wagstaff: I'm the plumber. I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes.
[to audience]
Professor Wagstaff: That's the first time I've used that joke in twenty years.

Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx
(as Professor Wagstaff)

Biology Professor: Here is the liver.
Professor Wagstaff: What, no bacon? I'd send that back if I were you.

Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx
(as Professor Wagstaff)

Retiring President: Eh, by the way, professor, there is no smoking.
Professor Wagstaff: That's what you say.
Retiring President: It would please the faculty if you threw your cigar away.
Professor Wagstaff: The faculty members might as well keep their seats. There'll be no diving for this cigar.

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