Prudence Trabert Steckler: John, how COULD you!
John Paul Steckler VII: It wasn't easy!


--Jerry Lewis (as ) in Don't Give Up The Ship

Sgt. McClusky: You know I'm beginning to like you.
Hap Smith: You are? Is that good?
Sgt. McClusky: Yeah! And I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
Hap Smith: What?
Sgt. McClusky: I'm not half as tough as I sound.
Hap Smith: You're not?
Sgt. McClusky: Nah! It's just something that comes over me. Sometimes I think I'm my own worst enemy.
Hap Smith: No, you're not, Sarge. Not as long as I'm alive.


--Jerry Lewis (as ) in Jumping Jacks

Ens. Rita J. Benson: Lieutenant, I know you're the victim of one of the biggest boo-boos in the history of the U.S. Navy.
John Paul Steckler VII: Yeah, I am.
Ens. Rita J. Benson: I've looked over your record and it's spotless. You've always had the utmost concern for government property.
John Paul Steckler VII: W-well I always DID try my best - except maybe just that one time w-when I painted my seabag all red and cut the two holes in the bottom for my feet.
Ens. Rita J. Benson: Your feet?
John Paul Steckler VII: Well, it was a Halloween party, y' see. I went as a skinless frankfurter.


--Jerry Lewis (as ) in Don't Give Up The Ship

Ens. Rita J. Benson: You can take your shoes off, if you'd like.
John Paul Steckler VII: Oh, thank you. I won't be as tall, though.


--Jerry Lewis (as ) in Don't Give Up The Ship

Al Crowthers: How many fights have ya had all together?
Melvin Jones: [Talking loudly in a punchy boxer's voice in order to frighten his opponent] Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...
[Al hits him']
Melvin Jones: When ya add 'em up together now, I had 101 fights.
Al Crowthers: Yup!
Melvin Jones: Oh, 101! I win 'em all but 100!


--Jerry Lewis (as ) in Sailor Beware

Bob Miles: Whu don't you straighten up?
Wilbur Hoolick: Oh, I am straightened up. It's just that my shoulders are stupid.


--Jerry Lewis (as Wilbur Hoolick) in You're Never Too Young

Steve Wiley: [referring to sexy movie star Anita Ekberg] Do I know her? She drives me crazy!
Malcolm Smith: [obviously excited] Me too!
Steve Wiley: She keeps coming to my back door and wants to borrow a couple of cups of sugar...
Malcolm Smith: Sugar? That's nice, yeah!
Steve Wiley: ...a couple eggs...
Steve Wiley: Oh, eggs! Good!
Steve Wiley: I go over to her place - I borrow a grapefruit or two...
Malcolm Smith: [aroused by the metaphor] Oh, that's cute!


--Jerry Lewis (as Malcolm Smith) in Hollywood Or Bust

Oliver Stone: ...in a couple of hours the whole city of New York is going to be banging at the door howling for your blood!
Homer Flagg: Why, I ain't got enough for everybody!


--Jerry Lewis (as ) in Living It Up

Naval Doctor: [Unable to find a heartbeat] Be a good boy now and tell the doctor where your heart is.
Melvin Jones: You'll find out. I'm no stool pigeon.


--Jerry Lewis (as ) in Sailor Beware

Mrs. Ella Brennan: [as Noonan, masquerading as Wilbur's father, takes his "son" out of school] Take good care of him.
Noonan: [With irony] Oh, he'll be taken care of.
Wilbur Hoolick: [after Noonan starts to strangle him] I don't want to go.
Mrs. Ella Brennan: Why, Wilbur?
Noonan: Yes, tell her why.
Wilbur Hoolick: Well, because, you see, I'm not really a little...
Wilbur Hoolick: [He realizes he cannoot reveal the truth] I like it hee. I want to go to school here.
Mrs. Ella Brennan: This is a girls' school!
Wilbur Hoolick: That's why I like it here.


--Jerry Lewis (as Wilbur Hoolick) in You're Never Too Young