Jerry Lewis

Jerry Lewis
(as Malcolm Smith)

Steve Wiley: [referring to sexy movie star Anita Ekberg] Do I know her? She drives me crazy!
Malcolm Smith: [obviously excited] Me too!
Steve Wiley: She keeps coming to my back door and wants to borrow a couple of cups of sugar...
Malcolm Smith: Sugar? That's nice, yeah!
Steve Wiley: ...a couple eggs...
Steve Wiley: Oh, eggs! Good!
Steve Wiley: I go over to her place - I borrow a grapefruit or two...
Malcolm Smith: [aroused by the metaphor] Oh, that's cute!
Dean Martin

Dean Martin
(as Steve Wiley)

Steve Wiley: [to Malcolm] I'm thinkin' of somethin'. I'm thinkin' of double homicide - one for each of your heads!
Dean Martin

Dean Martin
(as Steve Wiley)

Steve Wiley: [watching Malcolm blow on the dice] Don't drown 'em - just make snake eyes!
Dean Martin

Dean Martin
(as Steve Wiley)

Old Lady: [getting into the car] You're a dear sweet young man.
[seeing the dog]
Old Lady: Oh my, does he bite?
Steve Wiley: [laconically] Only me lady.
Dean Martin

Dean Martin
(as Steve Wiley)

Malcolm Smith: Boy, I'm lucky. Do you know when I first found out I was lucky?
Steve Wiley: When?
Malcolm Smith: When I entered the "Send in a Poochy Puff Dog Food jingle for the Poochy Puff Dog Food" jingle contest. You wanna hear how it goes?
Steve Wiley: No, but I will.
Jerry Lewis

Jerry Lewis
(as Malcolm Smith)

Malcolm Smith: But remember, I'd have never known about the phony ticket or the stealing if you didn't tell me, which means you're very noble. You're as noble as Abraham Lincoln or Raymond Massey.
Jerry Lewis

Jerry Lewis
(as Malcolm Smith)

[his jingle, to the tone of "Rock-a-bye Baby"]
Malcolm Smith: I eat Poochy Puff Dog Food outta the can / It makes me eat my food just like a man / My coat is so glossy, shiny and bright / My master can find me in the middle of the night!
Dean Martin

Dean Martin
(as Steve Wiley)

[on his jingle]
Malcolm Smith: You like it?
Steve Wiley: I think it'll live forever. Maybe longer!

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