Leo: There's the little guy. I've got a Chuckles statue for you.
Nick: Thank you, Mr. Herman. Imagine how pleased I am to receive it.


--Barry Gordon (as Nick Burns / Wilbur Malcome Burns / Theodore Burns / Raphael Sabatini / Dr. Morris Fishbein / Woodrow Burns / Chevrolet Burns / Big Sam Burns / Lefty Burns) in A Thousand Clowns

Barry the paperboy: [after Jerri Jordan walks by] If that's a girl, then I don't know what my sister is!


--Barry Gordon (as Barry the paperboy) in The Girl Can't Help It

Nick: My simple child reaction of what you did is that you are not funny. Funnier than you is even Stuart Schlossman, who is my friend, and is eleven, and puts walnuts in his mouth and makes noises. What is not funny is to call us names, and what is mostly not funny is how sad you are, and I'd feel sorry for you if it wasn't for how dull you are. And those are the worst-tasting potato chips that I've ever tasted. And that's my opinion from the blue, blue sky.


--Barry Gordon (as Nick Burns / Wilbur Malcome Burns / Theodore Burns / Raphael Sabatini / Dr. Morris Fishbein / Woodrow Burns / Chevrolet Burns / Big Sam Burns / Lefty Burns) in A Thousand Clowns

Nick: See, lady, he was developing into a bum. I mean, you don't want to see somebody you like developing into a bum and doing nutty things. You know what he does? He hollers. Like, we were on Park Avenue last Sunday, and it's very early in the morning, there's no one in the street, see, just all these big, quiet apartment houses; and he hollers, "Rich people, I want to see you all out on the street for volleyball! Let's snap it up!" And you know, sometimes, if we're in a crowded elevator some place, he'll turn to me and he'll say, "Max, there'll be no more of this self-pity. Now, you're forty; it's time you got used to being a midget!" And everybody stares. He has a wonderful time. What are you gonna do with someone who hollers like that?


--Barry Gordon (as Nick Burns / Wilbur Malcome Burns / Theodore Burns / Raphael Sabatini / Dr. Morris Fishbein / Woodrow Burns / Chevrolet Burns / Big Sam Burns / Lefty Burns) in A Thousand Clowns